The past wells up in me sometimes…I really hope that’s where it
stays. I fucking hate my past, most of it anyway. I want to just move
on with my life. But it hangs just the same, like a leech forever
sucking the life out of me.
It’s okay though. I can deal with it.
Right now I feel like supergirl. Unbreakable and untouchable.
You all know who that is due to.
I’m really trying, doing what I can to help him. I want to make his
life easy. At the same time I’m trying to ease into my own, strange,
crazy, mixed up, new life. So many things changed. I’m still trying to
take that in…
I called this place home, when I saw my mom this weekend.
Is that really what it is? Maybe I need to define it and it’s position in my life for it to be comfortable….
I think I live on orders, everyone telling me what I should do, what
they need done. No one here has done that to me. Maybe that’s why I
feel a little lost…
I really don’t know.
I wonder if i’ll ever truely be happy with something I do creatively. I
think the closest i’ve come is a song, called bloodflow. That is now
sad, and reminds me of a moment in my life where I want to stab my
former self. I made a stupid mistake and hurt someone I love. Things
might be so different, had I just been fucking courageous. Instead I
waited and let feelings fester and hate stir. The situation showed me
what I needed. Now that I have it i’m not letting go. At the very least
not without a fight. But no matter what I do I can’t seem to be
satisfied fully.Almost like I should do something more. Graphics being
the exception. That’s where I can truely create and not feel
unsatisfied with a project.
don’t mind me…Just rambling about random shit on my mind.
A place to get it out..
Sometimes I hate myself for who I used to be. The things I’ve done. A
few days ago, for the first time, I looked back on my life with shame.
I wanted to cry…I felt a terrible wrenching in my stomach, like I was
disgusted. And I was. I was disgusted with myself. From now on I want
to live in a way that won’t ever enduce such a feeling again. I almost
wanted to be sick.
….Yet no matter what I do, or have done, Anthony still looks at me with passion in his eyes and love in his heart.
I really ought to thank god for giving me such a precious gift. I really am not one to take care of his angel.