“We look good…Side by side…”

As I lay sleeping I dreampt of angels. They were singing and smiling at
me. And then a faint, beautiful voice whispered, “Shari” and I opened
my eyes to see something more beautiful than ever before. A real live
angel calling my name, and touching my face….


“This light looks good on yo
u”

In his arms is where I actually feel beautiful. I feel strong, and good about who I am.

I love to see myself in his arms…

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Taken from Cat

1. Tell her shes beautiful, not hott fine or sexy. 
2. Hold her hand at any moment even it its just for a second.
3. Kiss her on the forehead.
4.  Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
5. Always tell her you love her at any and all times.
6. When she is upset hold her hand tight and tell her how much she means to you.
7. Recognize the small things…they usually mean the most.
8. Call her hun.
9. Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.   
10. Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
11.Write her notes. (She loves those)
12. Introduce her to family and friends as your girlfriend.
13. Play with her hair.
14. Pick her up, tickle her and play-wrestle with her.
15. Sit in the park and just talk to her.
16. Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just to tell her jokes.
17. Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because you missed her.
18. Let her fall asleep in your arms. 
19. Carve your names into a tree.
20. If shes mad at you, kiss her.
21. Give her piggy back rides. 
22. Bring her flowers just because.
23. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you’re alone.
24. Look her in they eyes and smile.
25. Let her take as many pictures of you as shes wants.
26. Slow dance with her, even if there isn’t any music playing. 
27. Kiss her in the rain.
28. If you are in love with her….TELL HER. 

And if you’re Anthony, you’ve done almost everything on this list more than once, so you can ignore it. lol.

You know, I was reading someone elses xanga, a friend of mines, and she
pointed out that things that happen in movies can happen in real life
too.

Up until about a month ago, I would have told her she was wrong.

But now I know she’s absolutely right. It can feel like a dream…or a
movie. You just have to find the right person to star in it.

I know I did.

“Never thought i’d be speakin’ these words,
Never thought i’d need to say,
Another day alone is more than I can take

Won’t you save me?
Savin’s what I need
I just want to be
By your side
Won’t you save me?
I don’t wanna be
Just driftin’ through this sea
Of life…”

And then I was saved, by a beautiful angel….

“I’ve got,
No illusions about you,
Guess what,
I never did,
When I said,
When I said I’ll take you,
I meant,
I meant as is…”

I swear these days I could live on someone elses smile.

Is there really something you can do to be deserving of love? Or do you
just somehow get to a point that you do? Or maybe it’s that we all do
all along? I really feel like i’ve got something better than i’ve ever
imagined would look in my direction…

Do dates get less weird the more you go on ? lol. Oddly enough, they
aren’t that weird. I think maybe that’s because of who it is that i’m
with. Anthony makes me feel comfortable, not only with myself but with
everything around me. He helps me relax. .

I wonder what’s so different about me. More people than one have said I
look different. It seems not to be my hair either which I figured would
be the case. I mean I saw it myself, but then I’m a little strange. So
I dunno if my feelings are ever valid, sometimes I just don’t make a
whole lot of sense. That probably dosen’t make a whole lot of sense in
the first place.

What the hell am I rambling about now?? lol

Do you know how amazing it is to have someone stare at you randomly
while you sit on the computer because they love you, and then have them
say that very thing to you when your eyes meet?

I do

And it is amazing.

What the hell is happening to me???

I’m a girl!!!

hah….well, I always was one, but in a different sense now.

I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I am very boyish. I hardly
ever wear certain things. Certain colors. I almost never paint my nails
unless it’s french tipped because it goes with everything and I can
keep it for months without much work. I don’t wear pink.

I’ve started wearing some of those things I hardly ever wear. And those
certain colors caught my eye at the store yesterday. I’ve painted my
nails different colors a few times, and i’m about to paint them again.

I bought a pink shirt….

I spent 10 mins looking in the mirror this morning deciding weather or
not I wanted to do something special with my hair or just leave it down.

I was upset because I don’t have any black ponytail holders….

I’ve become such an alien to myself….It’s a little scary.

But I think it’s a good thing, I’m turning into a woman I think. I’m
growing into my femeninity, I don’t feel so awkward about it. I’m
prouder of being a woman now. I think that might be due to the fact
that Anthony makes me proud to be a woman. He makes me feel beautiful.
And special.

I feel a little scared of the person I am. I never knew I could be the way I am. Including the happiness I feel.

I love you Anthony…(none of these things are bad. So don’t think they are…)

The past wells up in me sometimes…I really hope that’s where it
stays. I fucking hate my past, most of it anyway. I want to just move
on with my life. But it hangs just the same, like a leech forever
sucking the life out of me.

It’s okay though. I can deal with it.

Right now I feel like supergirl. Unbreakable and untouchable.

You all know who that is due to.

I’m really trying, doing what I can to help him. I want to make his
life easy. At the same time I’m trying to ease into my own, strange,
crazy, mixed up, new life. So many things changed. I’m still trying to
take that in…

I called this place home, when I saw my mom this weekend.

Home…

Is that really what it is? Maybe I need to define it and it’s position in my life for it to be comfortable….

I think I live on orders, everyone telling me what I should do, what
they need done. No one here has done that to me. Maybe that’s why I
feel a little lost…

I really don’t know.

I wonder if i’ll ever truely be happy with something I do creatively. I
think the closest i’ve come is a song, called bloodflow. That is now
sad, and reminds me of a moment in my life where I want to stab my
former self. I made a stupid mistake and hurt someone I love. Things
might be so different, had I just been fucking courageous. Instead I
waited and let feelings fester and hate stir. The situation showed me
what I needed. Now that I have it i’m not letting go. At the very least
not without a fight. But no matter what I do I can’t seem to be
satisfied fully.Almost like I should do something more. Graphics being
the exception. That’s where I can truely create and not feel
unsatisfied with a project.

don’t mind me…Just rambling about random shit on my mind.

A place to get it out..

Sometimes I hate myself for who I used to be. The things I’ve done. A
few days ago, for the first time, I looked back on my life with shame.
I wanted to cry…I felt a terrible wrenching in my stomach, like I was
disgusted. And I was. I was disgusted with myself. From now on I want
to live in a way that won’t ever enduce such a feeling again. I almost
wanted to be sick.

….Yet no matter what I do, or have done, Anthony still looks at me with passion in his eyes and love in his heart.

I really ought to thank god for giving me such a precious gift. I really am not one to take care of his angel.