How did my life go from being complete shit to being so wonderful and
perfect? For that matter what did I do to deserve such a wonderful life
to begin with? It’s quite puzzling to me. I look around and the world
is so much more beautiful. Everything seems so much more impactful to
me. I feel, instead of running from those feelings. I feel love, I feel
happiness, joy, I feel sadness, sorrow, pain, I love every feeling. You
know why? Because I feel it! Everything was so dormant and dulled down.
Except for pain. Now it’s like being a kid again. Feeling everything
for the first time once more. I cry more now than I ever have before.
But not because I’m sad. Because I’m so fucking filled with happiness
I’m not sure what to do, and then the tears just come out. It’s like
everything in completely new. I love being able to see the world this
way. To truly appreciate things I never did before. It’s as if I’ve
been given another chance to live my life and I get to be happy.
Waiting it out and dealing with all the pain, sorrow, hurt, and sadness
finally paid off. Life isn’t just some stupid game you can’t win. It
just takes time, and patience.

*jumps up and down like a crazy anime character* YAY!

I love you Anthony!!

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It’s name was Bweezie.

So Anthony and I went and hung out with my sister and brother in law.
Went to a park and fed some geese, saw some buffalo, fed some deer, and
fed some longhorn cattle. Went and saw Hitch at an old movie theatre,
really cool place, my first time going on a “date” type thing to a
movie. It was very cool. Then they took us to a neat mexican restaurant
in Atchison. I was so stuffed. Came home and just kinda hung out. Was a
good day.

My sister sent me a song she said she used to listen to that hit me kinda hard. It’s called Little sister by Jewel.

“My little sister is a Zombie in a body
with no soul in a role she has learned to play
in a world today where nothing else matters
but it matters, we gotta start feeding our souls
Hey little sister I heard you went to Mr. So and So’s
Knockin’ on his door again last night
Said you needed more…
 

…I wish I could save her from all their delusions
all the confusion “

I was addicted to something….a horrible something that was very bad
for me. A man….No…A boy. He told me the world was black. I see now
it’s white. He lied, and turned my life into something it never should
have been. I’ve been saved from the confusion, not by my sister but
i’ve been saved. And i’m SO glad I was…..

Thank you so much Anthony….You saved my life.

So, being sick sucks. My voice is
still messed up, not quite as squeeky, but I still sound strange.
Coughing and stuff also sucks. I don’t wanna be sick anymore. I had
alot of fun seeing my sister and brother-in-law. They were way too
generous, and sweet, and loving, and caring…..Wow, family can act
like that? I thought all family was capable of being was a bunch of
assholes who just make you’re life harder. I never really did have good
experiences with family. Now it may actually be commonplace. I plan on
seeing them many times more.

I went so long without having someone I was able to relate to on that
otherworldly level that is my childhood, it’s almost insane to think I
could ever have that connection again. But my family is a web of lies.
They spun them one after another around me until I was trapped and kept
me there. I broke out of that web, now I can see everything from
outside it, I never ever want to lie. It’s not worth it. All you do is
hurt everyone around you and hurt the relationships. It’s not worth it.

My life rules….lol.

So I have started talking to my
sister, and my brother in law. I’ve only been talking with them for a
short time, and already I feel a place in my heart opening back up. The
part of me I closed off a long time ago, the part that accepted love
and caring from my family. It’s really nice to feel this again. To have
someone to talk to that knows what my life was like, who shared every
minute of it with me for so long. I remember her being the one I could
ALWAYS go to whenever I
just needed someone to hug me while I cried. We always talked about getting out of that horrible house and making
our own way. It seems like we both found a way to do that. We both also
found wonderful and honorable men to share that with. Ones that treat us the way we should be treated.
Yeah I guess we both found what we were looking for.

I know I have realized that my life is so much better now. I think back
to the times when I was living with bill (for those of you that don’t
know he is my father I choose not to call him that, he dosen’t deserve
the title) and even just the past few years of my life and I think of
how horrible it was compared to my life now. I’m just so thankful for
everything i’ve got now and everything I will have. Anthony being one
of the things. Well hell, it’s all because of Anthony….He turned my
life around….

God I love him.

Hmm….So the party this weekend was
awesome. Chuck and Jared did a good job getting everything together.
Plus I got to see a line of cars for the first time! lol. the party was
going great, having all kinds of fun, and then the cops came by.
Everyone got very sober very quick lol. Poor Brian was gone when the
cops came so he had to stay away and walk around for a while. After a
bit everything calmed down though. and then Anthony and I just crashed
out on the floor at about 6, woke up at like 8 to doughnuts. Fun. hung
around for a while, headed out with Jared and Brian, went to AS for a
while, then toward home, yes, i snort, it has been said before, when i
laugh i snort. i also sqeek, apparently it’s funny. Cool. lol.

I worked a bit with Anthony today, got some money, feel less like a bum
now. hopefully very soon i will have a job, then i’ll be able to get a
car, and then I can take my baby out instead of him always taking me
out. I have an uncontrollable want to buy him things and give him
presents.

I love the way he loves me….

*happiness flows out of me in every direction*

Have some and be happy….or….i’ll have to hurt you….

Yeah….So interesting day yesterday.
Really interesting actually. Went and traded in some games with Anthony
at gamestop, we got like 100 dollars for 10 games, which was cool. Both
bought a new game, still have 58 left to use there. I love the one he
got, it’s so funny and cute. It’s called La Pucelle Tactics. Seems very
interesting gameplay wise, but the anime style of the story and stuff
is great. One of the little anime girls says “Yooouuu SUCK!” when she
attacks sometimes. It’s amazing. I haven’t played the one I got yet,
and probably wont for a bit, but I got Star Ocean: Till the end of
time. It looks…really fun! I think i’m going to enjoy it. It’s very
challenging looking. The battle system seems Final Fantasy twelveish.
which, damn I can’t wait for that game.

Eating ice cream with the cutest sweetest guy in the world in front of a fountain at Zona Rosa at night = Amazing.

Anthony’s dates own everyone elses.<3 

I love you sweetheart….