Whoo, that was fast.

So, this year has been different from any other when it comes to the holidays. I’ve never really been with someone who cared about seeing their family nor have I really had a family to visit. Due to some issues we weren’t going to go do anything this year for Thanksgiving. Well, my dad got engaged earlier this year, and he’s living with his fiance. They just bought a house and for the first time he’s all about me coming down “ZOMG SHARI COME SEE ME FAMILY BLARG” lol, like never before. So that’s been interesting. Beyond that his family asked us to come down too. We were just gonna stay home…but no, my family has to be all nice and offer to get some things fixed on my car and do nice things like that. Which they never do. It sounds like a great time.

It’s interesting because whenever I make plans for thanksgiving, hardcore, they never go through, but anything made last minute BRING IT ON right? lol

So it looks like we are probably going to go down to my family’s tomorrow and then on Thursday we will head out to his families, then probably home. Possibly staying there, don’t know yet.

Anyway I think it’s funny that it worked out that way. Best laid plans huh?

Shari

Bah, Humbug

Usually I’m really uber excited for Christmas, the holidays in general. Right now I’m not all that excited though. What is it about this age that makes me realize all the things I wanted to have that I don’t? Thanksgiving is less than a week away, A few days in fact. I haven’t had a good thanksgiving in years. I talked Daniel into getting some Cornish Game Hens and I think we are going to end up staying here for the holiday. I mean in all honesty there are very few people I want to spend this holiday with. Last year I spent it with my dad for the first time in god….Years. For a long time I had no idea where he was…Had moved on to bigger and better things I suppose. At least in his eyes. Anyway. What did we do for Thanksgiving? We spent it at golden corral, and he spent the whole time talking to a girl he was dating who lasted all of two seconds. It was kind of shitty. It was my first Thanksgiving since I was a kid that I spent it without being in a relationship and it just made it all the more disappointing. Christmas was pretty bad, we didn’t even have a tree which if I can help it WILL NOT happen this year. I want a damn tree. I love Christmas and the GREATEST thing for me is decorating that tree. I haven’t done it in years because we lived with Anthony’s family when we had Christmas and last year was just a complete bust. This year, this year it’ll be different. This time last year things were so different. I don’t know how to feel sometimes about where I am. I just want so much more.

Anyway back to my original point. This season makes me remember all those things. The things I’d like to have. This season to me represents children. That’s what Christmas is mostly about right? A lot of my friends are getting married, buying houses together. Talking about having their first child. Even some of the single ones are our for a wife/husband. They aren’t all about the short term at this point. I was so sure by this point I’d be able to talk about when I want a baby with someone. That I would be able to plan that. You know? It’s so much more difficult and it brings so much more in to the picture when your boyfriend has been married before and has a kid. It’s like….It already happened for him so chances of him wanting those things are much much lower. Which in all honesty is not how I pictured it when he told me about those things. I assumed it would make him more open and prone to commitment. Maybe there is something about me or something about the way I am. Maybe I attract guys who don’t really want the same things, marriage, kids, the nice house and domestication. I mean my life long goal is to work and make enough money that eventually I can become a stay at home mom. That’s been my goal for a long time. I suppose I just thought I’d be a lot closer to being able to even think about those things without scaring the shit out of the guy I’m with. I make it so clear up front. I want to be married, I want children. If I don’t feel like I’m going to get those things I will leave. So why is it that I’m always in that place the “I don’t know how long it’ll be before I want those things” place. Be it after five years, a year and a half or six months.

I suppose at least in this relationship I feel like it’s a bit more possible. Signing the lease with him was such a big step. I had NO problem taking it. It was so important to me that he wanted to do that. As I’ve stated before I look at marriage as a lifetime commitment. While a lease is important I see it as breakable, because it is.

I guess where I’m trying to get with this whole thing is I want to have a baby. I’m jealous of all the women I know who have someone they can just shower with love and hold, care for and just be around. I want to have that I want to have a child to bond with. Something like that is a big deal for me. Now more than ever and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s that I am getting older and my body is trying to say “hey, you aren’t getting any younger!” I don’t want to be old when my kids graduate from high school. I want to be young enough to actually be able to hang out with my kids when they get in their 30’s and realize that I’m cool. lol. If I’m 60 or 70 when that happens we won’t have anything in common! It’s not that I want to get pregnant tomorrow. Though if I did I think I’d be THRILLED. Would it present challenges of it’s own? Absolutely but I want it that bad in my life that I’d be willing to take that on. I don’t know what to do with that. I mean it’s not like I want to plan for that right now. But in the next probably 3-4 years I WANT a baby. That’s just the way it is…and I don’t know if I will get that. Which kinda saddens me.

I’m such a planner in life I don’t know why that is but I feel like if I don’t make a plan in my life and stick to it that everything will go haywire. Maybe I just need to feel like I can control things when in all actuality I can’t.

I love Daniel and I know he loves me, that right now is the most important thing. Just because I’m behind my own schedule doesn’t mean that much isn’t true. It’s just interesting to me that it’s taken me so long to get to where I want to be you know? One day I’ll have a beautiful baby to spoil and spend Christmas watching him/her open presents I’ve taken so much time picking out, wrapping, and carefully hiding from prying eyes until Christmas eve. I decided I want one baby too because I want to be able to focus every bit of my maternal love on him/her. I don’t want to make them feel like they have to compete. Just a cute little family, in a cute little house, filled with love, the occasional fight, and a lot of happiness. What’s difficult about that right ? 😛

Shari

Today, I want to hide.

Strange how it becomes to easy to just slip into a blog. I highly doubt anyone has read this so far and somehow still it’s second nature to me to fire right into it using it for my advantage.

Stress is easy to come by and even easier to let descend upon you like a black cloud or some kind of deadly nerve gas, suddenly and strong with horrible effects. About a month ago or so we got a puppy. I love him to death, but right now he’s going through that i’m-two-months-old-so-i-have-to-chew-everything-in-sight-including-your-hands-feet-and anything-else-on-you-that-hurts-to-chew-on phase and it’s rough. I knew I’d take on the burden of responsibility with him because when we got him I wasn’t working and I’m still not but my boyfriend is. I will tell you though, I’ve never taken care of a puppy before and I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. Sometimes he makes me just want to scream. I suppose it’s a sort of training in patience if I ever want kids but I’ve taken care of so many children, them I can handle, least they speak English. I unfortunately don’t speak doganese. I wish I did at the point though.

Sometimes I get so stressed all I want to do is sit and be with my boyfriend, just to play around and be fool hearty like when you first meet a guy and I still haven’t gotten the hang of getting that to happen. Short of asking, which never works. Guess I’m looking for something that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense because we have been together for a while now. Six months in the scheme of things isn’t a lot but in relationship time a lot progresses and a lot changes.

I also have this habit of throwing myself overboard without a life jacket in sight and hoping that the other person will jump in with me just the same. Perhaps that’s my youth in me. We’ve been living together a few days shy of how long we’ve been together and my last relationship was much the same. I always end up putting myself in the greatest position to be screwed over too. Last time it was no car, this time it’s no job and things in my name that would ruin me if I were left, as well as leaving behind any trace of my old life. I’m so scared sometimes. Scared that I’m the only one in the water, and that if things play the way they always have for me I’m going to be stuck there with no life jacket and no one to save me from the icy cold water about to devour me.

I saw that they were playing “Little Black Book” the other day on T.V. I remember the beginning of that movie, it happens to be one of my favorites. Brittany Murphy says “Question, How does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer, She doesn’t.” Maybe I’m just so scared because I’ve jumped down this hole before and the last time I fell to the ground, HARD. The only thing that keeps me feeling okay I think is that I feel like he is there with me sometimes, like sometimes he is in the water with me, and we’re keeping each other alive, like we are each others life jackets. The times when I feel like I’m in the water alone are the times that I start to panic. Right now, I don’t know what exactly is making me feel so scared or lost but I really wish that you could be the child, that you could just ask for a stupid silly moment in time with the person you are with. This is life though, and things like that are few and far between most of the time.

The thing that is so stupid about all of this is that I have been so happy recently. I think everything has just caught up to me and once again I realize I have put myself in a place where it would be so easy to just up and leave, and there would be so many things that would just be on me. That’s a vulnerable state that I feel scared of, I’ve been burned hardcore in the past and I’ve been through a lot and most of the time the intentions of the people in my life aren’t perfect. Even my ex now admits he did things to hurt me, just because it was easy. I made it easy to take advantage of me and to treat me badly, I made it easy to walk on me and he says it to this day. He took everything he could from me and then asked for more. He did too, I’m still friends with him but there were a lot of things he did to me that I still harbor some resentment for (I know you are reading this, and don’t be scared or mad, it’s nothing to worry about and I have a feeling you will know what I mean.). I gave him my life and love and he asked for more. I didn’t really have anything else to give. Maybe that’s a good thing too, I started from the ground up. That last time around tore my world apart and killed my personality. Coming out of that I felt like I had no soul. I guess I just fear I’ll end up the same. It’s not the same person, as a matter of fact he’s completely different from the person I was with before, but I’m putting myself at even more risk that before. I just hope that love is strong enough to outweigh the want to hurt.

I see the way he is and I think that he’s just like me. He was burned, little worse than I was, though I think if given the opportunity my ex might have succumbed to such a thing, but he didn’t really have the option. Even in the face of all that he let himself be walked on. So in what I see, I see some of the same things I did in him. I really don’t think he would hurt me. I trust him but in this life when you are hurt you will always keep that one eye on the door or behind your back wondering when you’ll be hurt again. I love him very much, and I believe that he wouldn’t do that to me. He has been there for me a lot and I’ve done a lot of growing up since I’ve been with him. He will probably read this as well and I hope he’s not offended.

It’s not about trust or faith or any of those things. It’s about history being doomed to repeat it’s self so long as you make the same mistakes. I just hope I’m not making mistakes by being so trusting, by letting myself be put out there, by leaving myself open to be hurt. That’s what trust is about, letting yourself be put in a situation where it is easy to get hurt and trusting that person enough to expect they won’t hurt you.

I feel somewhat better now. I’ve gotten a lot of things out of my system here. I’m glad I have him. I’m glad I’m loved and that I have someone so wonderful to lay with at night, to play games with and watch movies with, and on the rare occasion, at like a child with. There are a lot of people in this world who don’t have that. I know I used to be one, and I’d rather be frightened one second and rescued the next than to be stranded alone with no fears. So bring on the water, no matter what happens at least I am getting wet right?

Shari

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage

An interesting question was posed to me to today, this made me think. Since a fairly young age I’ve wanted to be married. Even as much of a tomboy as I was, and believe me I was a tomboy from hell. Riding bikes, riding horses, playing with the boys in the mud. I remember once when I was around nine years old. I dressed up in my dad’s Air Force stuff (I was pretty tall by that point I was taller than my oldest sister anyway. lol.) and went out back and set up his two person tent and connected it to our larger family size tent making a sort of fort, Then I set up logs in different places around the outside for cover, used branches to try and camo the outside of the tents and used my faux vtech laptop to make it like I was on a secret mission in the middle of some foreign country getting intel on the thing (which I later forgot to bring in and it got rained on. Didn’t matter I still used it anyway), it helped that we used to have an above ground pool, we had a sinkhole way bigger than me that was filled with sand i could hide in, i used to play this with another girl from down the block. Sara, she was my best friend back then. This was also the first time I tried an MRE my dad got me some from a friend of his. Peanut Butter in pouches rules all, or did back then lol. So while most girls were doing, what I can only assume are girly things, I was playing military mercenary in my back yard lol. ANYWAY, getting off track here. Back to the original point.

Despite all that when I was a kid I was determined to get married. So much so that in the 5th grade I asked a boy to marry me. I gave him a card on Valentines day telling him I loved him and that I thought we should get married. He blushed and wouldn’t talk to me anymore and the other kids made fun of me. His name was Evan Park, he had blond hair and blue eyes and I used to pretend we were getting married in my room whilst walking down the aisle to “Close to you” by the carpenters because it eludes to the boy having blond hair and blue eyes and him being an angel that was sent from above. All this at that age. 5th grade lol. By the way if Evan ever finds this lol, I’m sorry I embarrassed the shit out of you in elementary school. I guess I was always dramatic like that. I mentioned this earlier today and was asked why this was. This got me to thinking. Why is that? What in me drove me to want to be married and why still is this such a part of me? I mean my parents weren’t happily married, as a matter of fact they were both miserable. I never really saw a good marriage, even my grandparents were skewed. So what on earth drives me to this?

Then I thought about it. I’ve felt abandoned my whole life, by so many people at different times in my life. Maybe this in me comes from the fact that I don’t want to feel that way again. I think I decided a long time ago that I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with someone. Maybe the reason I’ve always wanted to be married is because I have always seen it as life long. I want someone who is going to be there for me forever. When I look at marriage I see it different than most people I think. I see an everlasting commitment to spend your life with someone. No less than that, I think now a days people see it as a temporary thing, something easily broken. It very well can be, but if you put your whole being into it I believe you can make it ever lasting. I’ve seen it now that I am older. I’ve seen what it takes to stay together and I know now more than ever before that is what I want. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with that. But it’s going to be some time before I want that in my current life. For now I’m happy where I am, I have a great boyfriend, and for right now that is what I want, a boyfriend. I have plenty of time for the other things. This world is in too damn big a hurry for me, I just want to live and relax, doesn’t mean I’m not open to things that might come at me, just that I’m not seeking it out right now, and that’s good enough I think.

Being happy in life is difficult, and even though there are troubles in mine I can say I am happier now than I have been in quite some time for sure. That in and of it’s self is such an accomplishment, Daniel makes me very happy and everything else to me right now is just details, I’d let go of so many things if it means I get to stay here with him… 🙂 Anyway, there is my little thing for the day, I’m shooting for once a week at least, doesn’t mean I can’t post more!

Shari

Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes.

Welcome, Welcome.

For those of you who know me, hey there, thanks for the switch. For those of you who might have found me by serendipity hello to you too, this post is more for your benefit.

Now for the intro. I’m Shari. I am currently a blogoholic, this is a newer obsession thought I’ve kept avid blogs previous in my life I can’t seem to stop as of late. I find my self wanting to take advantage of the ability and idea of documenting my life. For that matter when it comes to the internet I think it’s a good preservation. I have blogs that have been online since I was 12 lol. Anyway, to get back on track. I’m 20 years old, I live in a little town in Missouri with my boyfriend, our fish, two birds, and our puppy. We have a pretty full house. Right now I am the house girlfriend though we are looking to change that soon. I live a pretty simple life most of the time. I guess as simple as it can be in this crazy world I so often find myself caught up in. I can’t really think of much else to say about me for the moment so I’ll move right along.

So the reason behind making an separate and a little bit nicer blog is to get away from the all in ones. I want a blog, not a myspace, not a xanga, a real blog. I realized more and more the reason I don’t post much on those is because it’s getting too complicated. When did it become about all this other stuff? Xanga was my thing for the longest time and I loved it then they started adding in things and I switched to myspace because lets face it. More people use it and it’s essentially the same thing at this point. It will be nice to use this for what it is, a blog, with picture access. That’s all I need.

Between the old and new I hope you all enjoy my little rants and tirades, and I’ll enjoy writing them out. I’d like to commit to posting at least once a week and eventually I would like to move this blog to a permanent non-branch domain. So look forward to it! lol.

Shari