An interesting question was posed to me to today, this made me think. Since a fairly young age I’ve wanted to be married. Even as much of a tomboy as I was, and believe me I was a tomboy from hell. Riding bikes, riding horses, playing with the boys in the mud. I remember once when I was around nine years old. I dressed up in my dad’s Air Force stuff (I was pretty tall by that point I was taller than my oldest sister anyway. lol.) and went out back and set up his two person tent and connected it to our larger family size tent making a sort of fort, Then I set up logs in different places around the outside for cover, used branches to try and camo the outside of the tents and used my faux vtech laptop to make it like I was on a secret mission in the middle of some foreign country getting intel on the thing (which I later forgot to bring in and it got rained on. Didn’t matter I still used it anyway), it helped that we used to have an above ground pool, we had a sinkhole way bigger than me that was filled with sand i could hide in, i used to play this with another girl from down the block. Sara, she was my best friend back then. This was also the first time I tried an MRE my dad got me some from a friend of his. Peanut Butter in pouches rules all, or did back then lol. So while most girls were doing, what I can only assume are girly things, I was playing military mercenary in my back yard lol. ANYWAY, getting off track here. Back to the original point.
Despite all that when I was a kid I was determined to get married. So much so that in the 5th grade I asked a boy to marry me. I gave him a card on Valentines day telling him I loved him and that I thought we should get married. He blushed and wouldn’t talk to me anymore and the other kids made fun of me. His name was Evan Park, he had blond hair and blue eyes and I used to pretend we were getting married in my room whilst walking down the aisle to “Close to you” by the carpenters because it eludes to the boy having blond hair and blue eyes and him being an angel that was sent from above. All this at that age. 5th grade lol. By the way if Evan ever finds this lol, I’m sorry I embarrassed the shit out of you in elementary school. I guess I was always dramatic like that. I mentioned this earlier today and was asked why this was. This got me to thinking. Why is that? What in me drove me to want to be married and why still is this such a part of me? I mean my parents weren’t happily married, as a matter of fact they were both miserable. I never really saw a good marriage, even my grandparents were skewed. So what on earth drives me to this?
Then I thought about it. I’ve felt abandoned my whole life, by so many people at different times in my life. Maybe this in me comes from the fact that I don’t want to feel that way again. I think I decided a long time ago that I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with someone. Maybe the reason I’ve always wanted to be married is because I have always seen it as life long. I want someone who is going to be there for me forever. When I look at marriage I see it different than most people I think. I see an everlasting commitment to spend your life with someone. No less than that, I think now a days people see it as a temporary thing, something easily broken. It very well can be, but if you put your whole being into it I believe you can make it ever lasting. I’ve seen it now that I am older. I’ve seen what it takes to stay together and I know now more than ever before that is what I want. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with that. But it’s going to be some time before I want that in my current life. For now I’m happy where I am, I have a great boyfriend, and for right now that is what I want, a boyfriend. I have plenty of time for the other things. This world is in too damn big a hurry for me, I just want to live and relax, doesn’t mean I’m not open to things that might come at me, just that I’m not seeking it out right now, and that’s good enough I think.
Being happy in life is difficult, and even though there are troubles in mine I can say I am happier now than I have been in quite some time for sure. That in and of it’s self is such an accomplishment, Daniel makes me very happy and everything else to me right now is just details, I’d let go of so many things if it means I get to stay here with him… 🙂 Anyway, there is my little thing for the day, I’m shooting for once a week at least, doesn’t mean I can’t post more!