Today, I want to hide.

Strange how it becomes to easy to just slip into a blog. I highly doubt anyone has read this so far and somehow still it’s second nature to me to fire right into it using it for my advantage.

Stress is easy to come by and even easier to let descend upon you like a black cloud or some kind of deadly nerve gas, suddenly and strong with horrible effects. About a month ago or so we got a puppy. I love him to death, but right now he’s going through that i’m-two-months-old-so-i-have-to-chew-everything-in-sight-including-your-hands-feet-and anything-else-on-you-that-hurts-to-chew-on phase and it’s rough. I knew I’d take on the burden of responsibility with him because when we got him I wasn’t working and I’m still not but my boyfriend is. I will tell you though, I’ve never taken care of a puppy before and I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. Sometimes he makes me just want to scream. I suppose it’s a sort of training in patience if I ever want kids but I’ve taken care of so many children, them I can handle, least they speak English. I unfortunately don’t speak doganese. I wish I did at the point though.

Sometimes I get so stressed all I want to do is sit and be with my boyfriend, just to play around and be fool hearty like when you first meet a guy and I still haven’t gotten the hang of getting that to happen. Short of asking, which never works. Guess I’m looking for something that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense because we have been together for a while now. Six months in the scheme of things isn’t a lot but in relationship time a lot progresses and a lot changes.

I also have this habit of throwing myself overboard without a life jacket in sight and hoping that the other person will jump in with me just the same. Perhaps that’s my youth in me. We’ve been living together a few days shy of how long we’ve been together and my last relationship was much the same. I always end up putting myself in the greatest position to be screwed over too. Last time it was no car, this time it’s no job and things in my name that would ruin me if I were left, as well as leaving behind any trace of my old life. I’m so scared sometimes. Scared that I’m the only one in the water, and that if things play the way they always have for me I’m going to be stuck there with no life jacket and no one to save me from the icy cold water about to devour me.

I saw that they were playing “Little Black Book” the other day on T.V. I remember the beginning of that movie, it happens to be one of my favorites. Brittany Murphy says “Question, How does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer, She doesn’t.” Maybe I’m just so scared because I’ve jumped down this hole before and the last time I fell to the ground, HARD. The only thing that keeps me feeling okay I think is that I feel like he is there with me sometimes, like sometimes he is in the water with me, and we’re keeping each other alive, like we are each others life jackets. The times when I feel like I’m in the water alone are the times that I start to panic. Right now, I don’t know what exactly is making me feel so scared or lost but I really wish that you could be the child, that you could just ask for a stupid silly moment in time with the person you are with. This is life though, and things like that are few and far between most of the time.

The thing that is so stupid about all of this is that I have been so happy recently. I think everything has just caught up to me and once again I realize I have put myself in a place where it would be so easy to just up and leave, and there would be so many things that would just be on me. That’s a vulnerable state that I feel scared of, I’ve been burned hardcore in the past and I’ve been through a lot and most of the time the intentions of the people in my life aren’t perfect. Even my ex now admits he did things to hurt me, just because it was easy. I made it easy to take advantage of me and to treat me badly, I made it easy to walk on me and he says it to this day. He took everything he could from me and then asked for more. He did too, I’m still friends with him but there were a lot of things he did to me that I still harbor some resentment for (I know you are reading this, and don’t be scared or mad, it’s nothing to worry about and I have a feeling you will know what I mean.). I gave him my life and love and he asked for more. I didn’t really have anything else to give. Maybe that’s a good thing too, I started from the ground up. That last time around tore my world apart and killed my personality. Coming out of that I felt like I had no soul. I guess I just fear I’ll end up the same. It’s not the same person, as a matter of fact he’s completely different from the person I was with before, but I’m putting myself at even more risk that before. I just hope that love is strong enough to outweigh the want to hurt.

I see the way he is and I think that he’s just like me. He was burned, little worse than I was, though I think if given the opportunity my ex might have succumbed to such a thing, but he didn’t really have the option. Even in the face of all that he let himself be walked on. So in what I see, I see some of the same things I did in him. I really don’t think he would hurt me. I trust him but in this life when you are hurt you will always keep that one eye on the door or behind your back wondering when you’ll be hurt again. I love him very much, and I believe that he wouldn’t do that to me. He has been there for me a lot and I’ve done a lot of growing up since I’ve been with him. He will probably read this as well and I hope he’s not offended.

It’s not about trust or faith or any of those things. It’s about history being doomed to repeat it’s self so long as you make the same mistakes. I just hope I’m not making mistakes by being so trusting, by letting myself be put out there, by leaving myself open to be hurt. That’s what trust is about, letting yourself be put in a situation where it is easy to get hurt and trusting that person enough to expect they won’t hurt you.

I feel somewhat better now. I’ve gotten a lot of things out of my system here. I’m glad I have him. I’m glad I’m loved and that I have someone so wonderful to lay with at night, to play games with and watch movies with, and on the rare occasion, at like a child with. There are a lot of people in this world who don’t have that. I know I used to be one, and I’d rather be frightened one second and rescued the next than to be stranded alone with no fears. So bring on the water, no matter what happens at least I am getting wet right?

Shari

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3 thoughts on “Today, I want to hide.

  1. Sometimes we get in a habit of putting ourselves in a place over and over again but it’s our reactions to the things that happen to us whle we’re there that ultimately change the outoe of our adventure – you are definirtely changed after that last relationship and part of you is scared that this one will be history repeating itself – well don’t let it..you can have a relationship and have your life intact too..

    Like

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