Bah, Humbug

Usually I’m really uber excited for Christmas, the holidays in general. Right now I’m not all that excited though. What is it about this age that makes me realize all the things I wanted to have that I don’t? Thanksgiving is less than a week away, A few days in fact. I haven’t had a good thanksgiving in years. I talked Daniel into getting some Cornish Game Hens and I think we are going to end up staying here for the holiday. I mean in all honesty there are very few people I want to spend this holiday with. Last year I spent it with my dad for the first time in god….Years. For a long time I had no idea where he was…Had moved on to bigger and better things I suppose. At least in his eyes. Anyway. What did we do for Thanksgiving? We spent it at golden corral, and he spent the whole time talking to a girl he was dating who lasted all of two seconds. It was kind of shitty. It was my first Thanksgiving since I was a kid that I spent it without being in a relationship and it just made it all the more disappointing. Christmas was pretty bad, we didn’t even have a tree which if I can help it WILL NOT happen this year. I want a damn tree. I love Christmas and the GREATEST thing for me is decorating that tree. I haven’t done it in years because we lived with Anthony’s family when we had Christmas and last year was just a complete bust. This year, this year it’ll be different. This time last year things were so different. I don’t know how to feel sometimes about where I am. I just want so much more.

Anyway back to my original point. This season makes me remember all those things. The things I’d like to have. This season to me represents children. That’s what Christmas is mostly about right? A lot of my friends are getting married, buying houses together. Talking about having their first child. Even some of the single ones are our for a wife/husband. They aren’t all about the short term at this point. I was so sure by this point I’d be able to talk about when I want a baby with someone. That I would be able to plan that. You know? It’s so much more difficult and it brings so much more in to the picture when your boyfriend has been married before and has a kid. It’s like….It already happened for him so chances of him wanting those things are much much lower. Which in all honesty is not how I pictured it when he told me about those things. I assumed it would make him more open and prone to commitment. Maybe there is something about me or something about the way I am. Maybe I attract guys who don’t really want the same things, marriage, kids, the nice house and domestication. I mean my life long goal is to work and make enough money that eventually I can become a stay at home mom. That’s been my goal for a long time. I suppose I just thought I’d be a lot closer to being able to even think about those things without scaring the shit out of the guy I’m with. I make it so clear up front. I want to be married, I want children. If I don’t feel like I’m going to get those things I will leave. So why is it that I’m always in that place the “I don’t know how long it’ll be before I want those things” place. Be it after five years, a year and a half or six months.

I suppose at least in this relationship I feel like it’s a bit more possible. Signing the lease with him was such a big step. I had NO problem taking it. It was so important to me that he wanted to do that. As I’ve stated before I look at marriage as a lifetime commitment. While a lease is important I see it as breakable, because it is.

I guess where I’m trying to get with this whole thing is I want to have a baby. I’m jealous of all the women I know who have someone they can just shower with love and hold, care for and just be around. I want to have that I want to have a child to bond with. Something like that is a big deal for me. Now more than ever and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s that I am getting older and my body is trying to say “hey, you aren’t getting any younger!” I don’t want to be old when my kids graduate from high school. I want to be young enough to actually be able to hang out with my kids when they get in their 30’s and realize that I’m cool. lol. If I’m 60 or 70 when that happens we won’t have anything in common! It’s not that I want to get pregnant tomorrow. Though if I did I think I’d be THRILLED. Would it present challenges of it’s own? Absolutely but I want it that bad in my life that I’d be willing to take that on. I don’t know what to do with that. I mean it’s not like I want to plan for that right now. But in the next probably 3-4 years I WANT a baby. That’s just the way it is…and I don’t know if I will get that. Which kinda saddens me.

I’m such a planner in life I don’t know why that is but I feel like if I don’t make a plan in my life and stick to it that everything will go haywire. Maybe I just need to feel like I can control things when in all actuality I can’t.

I love Daniel and I know he loves me, that right now is the most important thing. Just because I’m behind my own schedule doesn’t mean that much isn’t true. It’s just interesting to me that it’s taken me so long to get to where I want to be you know? One day I’ll have a beautiful baby to spoil and spend Christmas watching him/her open presents I’ve taken so much time picking out, wrapping, and carefully hiding from prying eyes until Christmas eve. I decided I want one baby too because I want to be able to focus every bit of my maternal love on him/her. I don’t want to make them feel like they have to compete. Just a cute little family, in a cute little house, filled with love, the occasional fight, and a lot of happiness. What’s difficult about that right ? 😛

Shari

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