And The Shadow Of The Day, Will Embrace The World In Grey…

That’s how I feel right now. I feel like my world is grey and I wish so much that I knew exactly what to do to make it right.

There are so many things right now that I just can’t help. I feel like I’m wrapped up in a tree branch struggling to move and no matter how hard I writhe it’s got me. I’m fucked and I hate it.

I’ve only felt this bad a few times in my life, but I literally feel so bad that I am having trouble not crying. Ever since I got up, which was at almost 7 pm I just, all I want to do is cry. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be or do and I hate feeling like that. Right now I feel numb to anything that could possibly be said to me right now. I feel like nothing will make it right.

I sat in the shower today for so long…..I got in there and I just couldn’t even muster enough to stand….I layed down on the floor in the shower and just cried….I don’t know what it is about being in the shower that makes me feel okay about just crying myself silly. Maybe it’s because I can’t break down in life so I break down in a place where no one will know….I can explain it away with the shower water. Some how I felt safe though…There in my pathetic position on the shower floor…Like nothing could get to me and the only thing I needed to do was just cry. That was all I needed to do was just cry….I don’t know…I hope things will get better but for right now I just don’t even know what to do I feel like it would just be better if I could sleep for the next few days….Or for longer.

I don’t know what to be right now but all I know is this has to clear because I won’t make it…

Shari

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Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven.

So Wednesday was it, the big day. The First Meeting… For those of you who don’t know, , My boyfriend has a son from his marriage. We have been together for about eight and a half months. In this time we’ve tried to get to where he can see his son. It’s been a rought road and we haven’t gotten anywhere, we have a rough financial situation and he owes some back child support, because of that she doesn’t like to let him see his son. Well Wednesday it finally happened.

We got him a bunch of toys for Christmas, and Monday we were supposed to go to my boyfriends Grandmothers for opening, his family pushed that off and we were getting frustrated so I metioned the idea of having her to the house, I didn’t think it was a big deal. He gave her a call Wednesday because the family postponed again and she said that’s fine. So like a mad woman I dash around trying to clean up and get things ready.

Fast forward a bit the Three of them show up, She has just had a baby four months ago by her new boyfriend, then her and her son. We get through the formalities okay and get to the presents, and the pictures, They spent most the time talking and I got to play with his son almost the whole time. At one point he sat in my lap and held my hand. I fixed his toy plane for him, He broke the door off and walked up to me with the parts and with the cutest face in the world said “Can you fix it?” It was awesome.

I don’t think I’ve ever so quickly become or so deeply been attached to a child. Is that normal? I almost wish he could have stayed the night already lol. I had so much fun with him. He’s the closest thing I’ve been around as far as possibly being family. It was really great and we are seeing them again on Wednesday this week. I hope that this is the start of a new trend, she’s been really nice and it seems like we are going to have better chances to see him and we are doing what we can to get the child support caught up. Anyway, that’s my story, feel free to comment…

Shari

Spin Me Round Again And Rub My eyes, This Can’t Be Happening,…


“Oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life”

Why as a race do we continually let people down and hurt them? Why is it such human nature to just fuck with others? Is there some code inside all of us that when upset we automatically have to screw that person over forever more?

I dunno today so far has not been a very good day and it’s shaping up to get worse. I’m trying my best to get through it and keep a bright smile on my face but I can’t help the something inside me that just wants to scream. I want so bad just to make this better and make it happen. There is just a lot in my mind right now and if praying really could make things happen then everything would be absolutely perfect right now. I don’t count myself as a very “religious” person, but I do believe I am spiritual. I’ve prayed more in the past few months than I probably have my whole life. There’s just so much to make right in our lives right now. I want to see him happy, I want him to have the happy I can’t really give him. I want to be happy too. Since I live off of his happiness it’s really difficult to do that. When he’s sad I’m sad and today I’m really sad. I want to understand a lot of things and I want to know what it is that I can do to make some things right but really I have no control. There are just some things I can’t do a damn thing about and it kills me. It really does kill me, it makes me angry and hateful somewhere inside and in another place it makes me so sad I could just cry.

I’m glad that I like music because right now it’s keeping me company. I really get into it and it helps me relax, now is one of the times that I really wish that our new home had a bathtub instead of just a shower. I would love to just escape into the bathroom for a little while with my music, my thoughts, and some nice warm water to take off the chill.

It’s been so cold here, It’s so much different weather wise here than it is or ever was in Missouri. It’s just different somehow. It’ll take a few years to get used to. If I’m even here that long….I want to be I love this house, the first house I’ve lived in in my adult life. It’s beautiful to me, even though it’s a bit worn on the outside it’s still my home and I love it.

I’m sure all this stuff will work it’s self out and somehow it’ll all make sense and I can get some peace of mind from it, and perhaps so will he. Until then back to the tense upset in this house that nither of us even tried to create.

Listening to Now – Imogen Heap – The Walk
Title Lyrics and Lyrics Under Picture From – Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek
(Check her out, she’s amazing)

Shari

We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves

I was a cute child….The one in the front not the one with the gloworm lol That’s my sister though so enjoy that.

It’s interesting how much we change in life, I’ve gone through so many transitions in life. I’ve gone through so many different phases of me. Now I’m off to start a new one.

Once upon a time I was a size six. When I was 17 almost 18. Right now I’m a size 12. My last relationship ruined me. I ate bad, I was seditary and it caused me to gain a lot and I never really have been able to get it off. I started a diet two days ago, a pseudo atkin’s/south beach thing, today Daniel and I went for a run and it was awesome. I want so many things to happen. I don’t really want to make resolutions for the new year but there are some things I would like to accomplish.

One
I would like to get back down to at least a 6 possibly a 4 if I can but 6 at least, I’d like to be down to an 8 by Daniel’s Birthday.

Two
I want to have a steady job soon that I enjoy and will stick with, this may be accomplished by working at the Prison with Daniel.

Three
I want to read one book this year, at least the book my sister gave me for Christmas.

That’s it. Really all I want is to get my body back into shape and to be in good health.

See that? That was me, once upon a time. Look at that stomach! Yeesh…Those arms too. I look great.

Now look at me….What the hell happened…BLAH. I look so different! Anyway, I will be changing this. I will look more like that top photo no matter what it takes. If I have to go down the atkins road again and eat salad three times a day then I will.

Tomorrow should be a pretty scary day, if it occurs I’ll post about it.

My boyfriend, for those of you who don’t know, has been Married before, and he has a son. We didn’t have a chance to get him Christmas presents on time so I’ve been wrapping presents like CRAZY this week so that we can get them to him. We got him a lot and I hope he enjoys it all.

There isn’t a whole lot else going on right now. I’m feeling weird right now and I think I need to just relax for the rest of the night and then get some rest, lots to do tomorrow.

Shari

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice

Here I am again, at another year in my life. The 21st year to be exact, come up in May. Last year has brought about a lot of change in me and a lot of different behavior. Many memories, friends new and old and a new person to possibly share my life with. The year wore long on me and I’m sure it’s showed. I want to use this as everyone else does to look back on this year.

Rewind, New Year 2007. I was with a crap ton of friends, drinking, carrying on, throwing snow balls, and loving life having been single for about six months at the time. Yet somehow that midnight clock tosses you into emotion you hide. The way I rang in the new year? Crying. Standing in a room full of my friends with tears rolling down my cheek as I realized for the first time in many years, Since I was a teenager in fact. That I had had no one to kiss at midnight. That was the start of, but not by far the end of the saddest moments of my year. Made better by those friends that did give me cheek kisses to make up for it. I spent the first part of that year chasing something I didn’t have a chance at getting back. Lots of times of awkwardness with my Father, Trying hard to prepare for the college I was hoping to go to. February brought much more sadness with the ring in of National Singles Awareness Day, better known as Valentine’s day. As well as later that month the would be Anniversary of me and my ex. March brought better times, more fun with friends, A concert for ones birthday and also one of the best concerts I’ve seen so far. April slight optimism that for some reason led me back to trying to date. I was about ready to get my license and I think that added to it. In April a very nice guy started to talk to me, we learned some things about each other and with that I was off to go on a date with him, which was one of the best times of my life. A short….very very short…lol bit later in May, that guy moved in to my apartment in Riverside with me. Later in May brought my birthday, happy to have someone that day, as well as another concert prior to that was a lot of fun. I remember coming home to see him having fallen asleep waiting for me to come home. God how I missed him that night. June, July, and August brought very little but more happiness with him. September brought about life, slapping us in the face, perhaps to keep us in check and let us know that things don’t always come out the way you plan. We struggled through October, November, and December, through December we made plans. In those plans we will be working together, and we have a house. Soon we will have nicer things, and we’ll work to pay off some of the things from his past, as well as mine. For now though we had new years, a night of cooking together, talking and laughing, looking at old pictures, and looking to our future, topped with watching the ball drop at midnight and this year. I got my new years kiss.

Shari

For Last Year’s Words Belong to Last Year’s Language and Next Year’s Words Await Another Voice

Here I am again, at another year in my life. The 21st year to be exact, come up in May. Last year has brought about a lot of change in me and a lot of different behavior. Many memories, friends new and old and a new person to possibly share my life with. The year wore long on me and I’m sure it’s showed. I want to use this as everyone else does to look back on this year.

Rewind, New Year 2007. I was with a crap ton of friends, drinking, carrying on, throwing snow balls, and loving life having been single for about six months at the time. Yet somehow that midnight clock tosses you into emotion you hide. The way I rang in the new year? Crying. Standing in a room full of my friends with tears rolling down my cheek as I realized for the first time in many years, Since I was a teenager in fact. That I had had no one to kiss at midnight. That was the start of, but not by far the end of the saddest moments of my year. Made better by those friends that did give me cheek kisses to make up for it. I spent the first part of that year chasing something I didn’t have a chance at getting back. Lots of times of awkwardness with my Father, Trying hard to prepare for the college I was hoping to go to. February brought much more sadness with the ring in of National Singles Awareness Day, better known as Valentine’s day. As well as later that month the would be Anniversary of me and my ex. March brought better times, more fun with friends, A concert for ones birthday and also one of the best concerts I’ve seen so far. April slight optimism that for some reason led me back to trying to date. I was about ready to get my license and I think that added to it. In April a very nice guy started to talk to me, we learned some things about each other and with that I was off to go on a date with him, which was one of the best times of my life. A short….very very short…lol bit later in May, that guy moved in to my apartment in Riverside with me. Later in May brought my birthday, happy to have someone that day, as well as another concert prior to that was a lot of fun. I remember coming home to see him having fallen asleep waiting for me to come home. God how I missed him that night. June, July, and August brought very little but more happiness with him. September brought about life, slapping us in the face, perhaps to keep us in check and let us know that things don’t always come out the way you plan. We struggled through October, November, and December, through December we made plans. In those plans we will be working together, and we have a house. Soon we will have nicer things, and we’ll work to pay off some of the things from his past, as well as mine. For now though we had new years, a night of cooking together, talking and laughing, looking at old pictures, and looking to our future, topped with watching the ball drop at midnight and this year. I got my new years kiss.

Shari