Why as a race do we continually let people down and hurt them? Why is it such human nature to just fuck with others? Is there some code inside all of us that when upset we automatically have to screw that person over forever more?
I dunno today so far has not been a very good day and it’s shaping up to get worse. I’m trying my best to get through it and keep a bright smile on my face but I can’t help the something inside me that just wants to scream. I want so bad just to make this better and make it happen. There is just a lot in my mind right now and if praying really could make things happen then everything would be absolutely perfect right now. I don’t count myself as a very “religious” person, but I do believe I am spiritual. I’ve prayed more in the past few months than I probably have my whole life. There’s just so much to make right in our lives right now. I want to see him happy, I want him to have the happy I can’t really give him. I want to be happy too. Since I live off of his happiness it’s really difficult to do that. When he’s sad I’m sad and today I’m really sad. I want to understand a lot of things and I want to know what it is that I can do to make some things right but really I have no control. There are just some things I can’t do a damn thing about and it kills me. It really does kill me, it makes me angry and hateful somewhere inside and in another place it makes me so sad I could just cry.
I’m glad that I like music because right now it’s keeping me company. I really get into it and it helps me relax, now is one of the times that I really wish that our new home had a bathtub instead of just a shower. I would love to just escape into the bathroom for a little while with my music, my thoughts, and some nice warm water to take off the chill.
It’s been so cold here, It’s so much different weather wise here than it is or ever was in Missouri. It’s just different somehow. It’ll take a few years to get used to. If I’m even here that long….I want to be I love this house, the first house I’ve lived in in my adult life. It’s beautiful to me, even though it’s a bit worn on the outside it’s still my home and I love it.
I’m sure all this stuff will work it’s self out and somehow it’ll all make sense and I can get some peace of mind from it, and perhaps so will he. Until then back to the tense upset in this house that nither of us even tried to create.
Listening to Now – Imogen Heap – The Walk
Title Lyrics and Lyrics Under Picture From – Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek
(Check her out, she’s amazing)