My stomach is akin to aliens all the time now. Sleeping has become really difficult for me these days, seems no matter what position I lay in I’m getting kicked really hard in one way or another, and in one place or another. I love you kid but calm down! Mommy is tired! Sinuses are getting to me, it’s getting harder and harder to breath out of my nose, and my lip is sore from blowing it all the time lol.
We’ve gotten some more clothes for the little man. I’m starting to be able to focus on the big stuff we need because we have a lot of the little stuff we’ve needed. Bottles, diaper bag, high chair, and the like. I feel like we’re getting to crunch time. While I’m 28 weeks along it’s more like 29 because I won’t be going to 40 weeks. That makes the time line a little more scary lol. Hoping to get a crib pretty shortly, beyond that our wedding needs to be soon! It’s been held off for too long, it’s just hard to manage expenses preparing for the kiddo, I swear there is so much to do and get, it can be overwhelming at times.
I still can’t wait to meet him, I sang to him a lot the other night, he seems to really like it when I sing to him and read to him. He becomes active as all get out.
I’ve had a bout of sadness with all this in the last week. It’s really hit me that he’s not going to have some of the key family members around that I wish he could have. It’s also really hit me how hard this has been not having a mom. I always thought that I’d have my mom around to be there for me, to help and support me, to be around when her grandson is born. The next door neighbor offered up help for us when he’s here, if we need a break even just for a few hours. It’s such a sweet offer and I swear I’m going to adopt her lol. It made me realize even more that I’m not going to have grandma to be here for him. To dote on him and buy him things, to help me make crockpot and freezer meals for the first few weeks, to help me when I feel like I’m doing everything wrong, like I know I will. It hurts right now in ways I didn’t think of or I thought would be easier to handle. It’s been years since I’ve seen my mother, and I’ll never truly come to terms with what she did to me, I know that. In my mind though, I have this disconnect, there’s two versions of her I remember. The first version is the mom who used to make me ramen noodles and chicken soup (albeit out of a can) when I was sick. Who used to stay up late watching cheesy tv shows with me, and who watched me as I learned how to ride my bike and who fed me curly fries when I went to the hospital. Then there is the other mom… the one who was cold, the one who abandoned me when I needed her most, the one who just let things happen to me and chided away when I begged her to help. There are times when I really miss that first version of her, I don’t really think that version of her exists the way I wish it did anymore. I wish I didn’t miss her, and I wish she’d been the mom she should have been in the first place so she could be here for me. It would make it so much easier to stomach the kids clothes that say “Grandma’s little man” I’m glad that I have a wonderful mother in law who I know will love her grandson very much. I just wish my own mother had gotten it together.
Enough of that, I just needed to get it out somewhere. I know that our son will be so loved. Daniel and I are all the love he needs and I know that. I also know we aren’t the only ones who love him already.
As I write this he’s currently kicking me in the belly button, and it’s such a sweet feeling. I love my sweet son and I still can’t believe I’m going to be his mommy.