When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes…

“It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph, we make these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken,

Time’s forever frozen, still.”

I went to the doctor today. I’m down to 165 pounds which is great. The rest of the news is not so great. I’m getting sicker, and might have multiple autoimmune disorders now. My thyroid is abnormal and big. I can’t have children but I can’t get a tuba-ligation because being put under will likely kill me. Every time I go to the doctor now it’s a laundry list of all the reasons I’m not supposed to be here, coupled with all the things that are trying to take me out of this world. I persevere but man my resolve. It’s seen better days. I don’t even know how to handle all of this. We’re talking about the possibility of Hashimoto’s disease coupled with Lupus and god knows what else at this point. I really just wish my body would get it together. I can’t understand why it has to be like this for me. I really feel like I’m a great person and what I put in the world is worthwhile. I want to keep being here but my body seems to have other plans no matter what I do. Then every time I have to go back to the doctor I have to listen to all the ways in which I never should have lived through my arm surgery, or my c section, or pregnancy for that matter, and the ways in which I should be dead right now. I’m tired of student doctors being present at my appointments. I had THREE of them in my c section. Every follow up I’ve been in, shit I can’t get a tooth pulled without it being a surgical theater/symposium. Zane says I deserve an “Achievement Get” because apparently fuck odds I live because sure why not? There’s no rhyme or reason to me being here but dammit I’m still here!

Whelp, I suppose this means I need to get on my primary doctors ass, go see a rhuematologist, and figure out everything that’s wrong. *face desk* I can do this, really I can. *takes a deep breath and tries to carry on*

Baby makes his livin’ on the road…

I watched him drive away again this morning. Hearing those breaks let out and watching those tail lights from the garage kills me. I know he’ll be home again soon I just wish we had more time together. I do what I can to try and make his time at home as fun and awesome as possible. I want him to know that I miss him as much as it feels like I do. I will always do my best to make him feel at home while he’s here and make him as happy as possible. Zane is a really amazing man and he treats me like a Queen. I’m the Queen of his world and he’s the King of mine.

Life is much slower these days, though Alex seems to think it’s not. He fires on all cylinders constantly and pays no mind to the fact that momma can’t run that fast lol. I’ve learned that the house does not need to be perfect at all times, but I love when it is clean which is 95% of the time. The rest of the time Alex has his fun.

IMG_20150814_133842731

 

I look out and see things like this. Granted this got picked up shortly after, It’s a mark of life. The life that’s ours, messy and beautiful, and writing it’s own story as it unfolds all around and in front of me. I keep reminding myself I’ll never get this back and one day it will be me chasing him again. I’ll be begging for time with my son and he’ll be having none of it. I really must enjoy the now and not look forward too much for fear of missing what’s already in front of me.

Then there are days when we both want to give up.

IMG_20150805_121113088

On those days I play Fallout or some other game, and he does this lol.

I’ve been working on trying to lose more weight and have been fairly successful at that venture. I’ve gone from a size 14 at the end of July to my current size of 10. So four dress sizes in around 2 months. I lost two of those in the last 16 days or so. Ideally I’d like to get back to my 0/1 size as it was where I was most comfortable. I’m getting there, slowly but surely. When I went and did grocery shopping this time around I did my best to limit my purchase of carb loaded food. I -plan- to start doing Atkins again in September but we’ll see. I do not have a scale yet so no offical weight. I have a doctors appointment on the 20th so I’ll know better then what my current weight is. I was 176 last time I was seen.

67518620-508b-4d37-9849-a29dfc7df75b

 

I certainly look better. Please ignore the bucket and paint tray, we haz a leaky roofs. I feel better and better all the time and I’m happy. My life is in a wonderful place right now.

See you next time those of you that still read!

I can adult, really I can.

They say misery loves company. I’m starting to think misery loves misery and is content to wallow in it and ignore the rest of us. I haven’t sad cried in over a month, but this morning I burst into full on ugly tears. I hate this and don’t have any interest in it. I have so much empathy and want to help others but I’ve got to stop stressing over those who don’t want to help themselves. I’ve given far too much of myself to these people and I’ve got to stop. On the other side of things I’ve been spending more sit down time working with Alex, trying to get his speech improved and work on the milestones we need to hit for potty training. I’ve also been inundated with the task of looking into preschools. You really should sign them up at birth, and include a rather large check. When his preschool options cost like 1/3 of my college tuition per year I get a little bit of sticker shock! Bhaha. I’ve also spent some time doing things for myself .It’s been years since I read a book at home. Honestly, I read loads but I read at work when I had the time. Last night I started “Crescent Dawn” by Cliver Cussler and OH. MY. GOD. What an amazing author. I made it 8 chapters in by about 2.5 hours. What a journey so far, Zane says he paints mini movies in your head and that’s exactly right. If any of my friends who enjoy reading haven’t checked him out, please do. I also started playing a single player game for the first time in many years. I started up on Fallout : New Vegas and I love it so much so far. It’s taken some time to get used to on the xbox but the story is extremely interesting so far, I’m very good at getting my ass handed to me! lol.

I love our house so far, it’s absolutely beautiful. I haven’t had a spare moment to stop and take many pictures of it, not that we have a ton of furniture to fill it yet anyhow. The 16th is Zane and I’s two month milestone and I couldn’t be happier. He’ll be coming home that day as well. I can’t wait, while I talk to him on the phone ever day it’s just not the same. Alex is wonderful company though and we go on walks pretty much every day and get into all kinds of nonsense. The other day we were invited to begin attending the parish at the end of the street. I brought in two bags of donated clothing and they were absolutely touched by my donation. They are home to one of the preschools we’re looking into as well. I’ve given thought to going to a service or two. While I’m not big into religion I think Alex would greatly benefit from the fellowship it brings.

I’ll leave you with a song that I love and feel like fits me very well.