When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes…

“It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph, we make these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken,

Time’s forever frozen, still.”

I went to the doctor today. I’m down to 165 pounds which is great. The rest of the news is not so great. I’m getting sicker, and might have multiple autoimmune disorders now. My thyroid is abnormal and big. I can’t have children but I can’t get a tuba-ligation because being put under will likely kill me. Every time I go to the doctor now it’s a laundry list of all the reasons I’m not supposed to be here, coupled with all the things that are trying to take me out of this world. I persevere but man my resolve. It’s seen better days. I don’t even know how to handle all of this. We’re talking about the possibility of Hashimoto’s disease coupled with Lupus and god knows what else at this point. I really just wish my body would get it together. I can’t understand why it has to be like this for me. I really feel like I’m a great person and what I put in the world is worthwhile. I want to keep being here but my body seems to have other plans no matter what I do. Then every time I have to go back to the doctor I have to listen to all the ways in which I never should have lived through my arm surgery, or my c section, or pregnancy for that matter, and the ways in which I should be dead right now. I’m tired of student doctors being present at my appointments. I had THREE of them in my c section. Every follow up I’ve been in, shit I can’t get a tooth pulled without it being a surgical theater/symposium. Zane says I deserve an “Achievement Get” because apparently fuck odds I live because sure why not? There’s no rhyme or reason to me being here but dammit I’m still here!

Whelp, I suppose this means I need to get on my primary doctors ass, go see a rhuematologist, and figure out everything that’s wrong. *face desk* I can do this, really I can. *takes a deep breath and tries to carry on*

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