“Giver her a reason, a reason to love all you do,
She’ll tell you secrets, you’ll tell her secrets too,
She’ll tell you all her hopes and dreams, You’ll tell them too”
On the sixteenth of October Zane and I will officially be together for four months.
Things are so different in my life these days. I wonder some days if I deserve it. I feel so bankrupt half the time. Like so much of me has been taken away by others. It started at a very young age and only seems to be clearing now. Every single time he cleans, cooks with me, dances with me in the kitchen for no reason, and sings to me, I melt a little more. A little more of that ice in my veins softens up and breaks away. Like it was never there to begin with. Every so often though there’s a piece that gets stuck somewhere along the line. It yanks me from the happy and makes me wonder what I could be or do better. I am so scared to mess things up. Some days, just some days, I feel like I’m not enough. I think more than that even I’m so scared to let someone in this deep. I’ve let down every wall I’ve ever had, and opened every door. I take that back, I didn’t have to open anything, he broke down every wall with ease, and every door came open for him. He pushed past them like they didn’t exist and never would have stopped him in the first place. It’s like he had the key to every lock, the ones I painstakingly put up over the years in an attempt to keep others out. I spent so much time building this complex. I built it out of fear, pain, and rejection. I have been hurt, used, and abused so many times in life. So many people have taken me for granted. Pretty much every person I’ve ever given my love to has either not been prepared or ready to have it. They either didn’t give it the merit that it deserved, didn’t care for it enough, or outright stomped on it leaving it in the dust. My heart as a result, is a dirty, worn, tattered thing. I’ve searched my whole life for someone who would reciprocate my love on the same level. Someone who would tell me that they need me just as much as I need them. That they could never be the same without me there with them, and that they would do whatever it took to keep our relationship alive. I’ve said this to more than one person in my life. “If I were to walk away, I want you to chase me, chase me like you mean it” I know that might sound somewhat silly and juvenile. No one wants the person they love to respond with “Fine, go then” if you feel like you can’t go on anymore. We all want that person who will say “How can we fix this? I need you”. I’ve thought multiple times in life that I found this person, only to be let down after a substantial investment of who I am. I know deep in my heart, for the first time in my whole life that the person I’m with, above all else, has my back. He’s in this with me and will work just as hard as me to fix anything we face. He’s honest and true, he’d never back away and check out. 99% of my family has walked away from me, I have very little left and those who are gone have never stepped up in my life. I’ve had blood leave me behind like I was nothing to them. In the same note I have willingly offered up my heart to others in hopes that they would treat it as precious, hold it close, and never let it go. This man has abandoned everything he’s ever known about life and how he’s lived it simply to be by my side. My heart is a gift to him, one that he never wants to let go of.
There are a lot of people who will never understand why I upturned my whole life, why I made such a decidedly dramatic change. I know that some people hurt as a result of it, and I know that it didn’t help how some saw me. I am sorry if I let you all down but I did what I felt I needed to do, not just for myself but for those around me. Turns out I wasn’t wrong. I’m not the only one doing better out of all of this. I like to think that I touch people’s lives in one way or another. I’ve always helped in some form, every person that’s been close to me to become more than what they were. Unfortunately the typical way in which i do this is through hardship. In the process I change and grow as well but not without feeling pain. To the one other person in my life that I know reads this and will take this to heart. I am sorry for hurting you, and I do want to see you happy. I’m glad that you are finding that happy. Until recently I’ve always been the fighter and never been the one to know when to call it quits and walk away with myself still in tact to some extent. This time I did that. It’s hard to catch hell for it and I know that’ll end with time. I am more than myself, I am more than I was, I am not what I will ultimately be. As the days go on, ebb and flow with time, and things change, so will I.
For once in my life I have someone that I can look at and know, really know, he’s not going anywhere. Neither am I. For once I’m in something that we both have the fight and drive together that no matter what we face, we’ll face it together, hand in hand. He’s ready, and so am I. It’s like standing back to back with your party partner, both holding long swords in full PVP gear, ready to cut up any enemy we face. If one of us gets knocked out, the other will be right there with a phoenix down. Forgive the gaming puns but it’s how I feel and it’s part of how I’ve always related to the world. There is a rationality to our relationship along with the love we feel for each other. It’s not just the flighty, butterflies in my stomach, ache to be near him. It’s not just laying with him watching T.V. and feeling that overwhelming feeling that I am home. It’s also looking at him and knowing that we will show up for each other, that we’re in this together, and that this is it for me. He is it for me. I know this with no doubts in my mind or my heart. I also know without a doubt that he feels the same way. This is why I know we’ll be together forever. Not only do we love each other, but we choose to be together. We make the effort, put in the time and work, and we commit to one another. For the rest of our lives.