I wasn’t sure I was going to post this, but I know I have friends that will understand it.
This is the most raw thing you’ll probably ever read from me. This is a letter to the daughter I so badly wanted to have and cannot. The one I will hold in my heart forever if not in my arms.
“My Dear Sweet Aliza Marie,
It’s taken a long time for mommy to write to you little girl. It’s been almost two years since your brother was born. By now I thought I would be working on bringing you to life. Oh my little Aliza. I’ve wanted you and your brother since as far back as I can remember. I should be trying to get pregnant with you right now or sometime soon. I would give anything to be able to hear your heartbeat. See your little face on an ultrasound. To feel your tiny hand inside my belly, or to feel you kick me. I’ll never forget when the Doctor told me for the first time it wasn’t to be. That I would never get to meet you or know the joy of helping to grow your tiny little body and bring you into this world. That your brother’s “Firsts”, his first bath, first laugh, and first kisses to me, would be the only one’s I would get as a mother. My heart was broken. My whole world came crashing down on my heart little girl. Knowing without a doubt that I would never get to meet you. I cannot tell you Aliza how badly mommy wanted to meet you. You would have been amazing. Your brother sure is. I’m certain you would have the same tenacity, curiosity, and silliness that he has. You’d grow into such an amazing and beautiful woman. I wanted to help teach you how to be a lady, not that I’m much of one myself. I wanted to put pigtails in your hair and paint your little toes and fingers. I wanted to hold you when boys made you cry. Trust me they would have made you cry at some point, they all do. I wanted to teach you how to cook, and sew. I wanted to be there so you could call me in the middle of the night when you just needed me. I wanted to teach you how to be a mother. Show you what to do every step of the way. Do not misunderstand little girl, I love your brother so much that sometimes my heart is too full. I know I will have some of these things with him but it will not ever be like what you and I would have had. I want you to know too that your daddy would have loved you more than anything. I just know he would have. Zane is amazing to your big brother and he would hold a daughter so close to his heart. I also know that he would want to beat up those boys who would make you cry. You’d be just as much a daddy’s little girl as I was sweetie. I just picture you in a pretty white dress marrying the man you love, and dancing with your dad under the stars. There will always be a part of me with you sweet Aliza, but mommy has to let you go. I must keep you as a wish and a memory. I will keep you with me always but I have to put part of you away in this box. There is a part of me that will never ever want to let you go. You see though, mommy has to baby, You see, hoping for you, but never having you, shatters mommies heart. She can’t keep picking up the pieces again and again. So I will take you and put you in this box. It will keep you safe and close. One day, many years from now, when your brother is all grown up, this box will open up. I hope that I’m there to see and remember what I felt for you, but if I am not, Alexandr will get to see how much mommy loved you both. We may not be together in this world, but you are always in my heart Aliza Marie. You are mommies butterfly.
I wrote this and am going to seal it in a wooden box with a few other things. This will be my way of letting go of the pain and grief of never being able to have another child.