Being you is enough

Jessica

To the right person it will always be enough. You’ll never have to worry or wonder if you’re doing it right, if they understand you. You won’t have to feel like you aren’t the one, with the right person.

After almost seven months with the right person, we’ve yet to speak an ill word to one another. There have been disagreements sure, times where we’ve had to talk through issues, or not seen eye to eye on something. Sometimes we don’t get on the same page, and that’s okay, sometimes we aren’t meant to, we know what things that’s okay on. Others it’s not okay, and in those cases, we talk. We talk until it’s done, until we reach a resolution. For the first time in my life I know what this is like. I’ve never been with someone before who when I sit down and air a grievance I’m heard. If I have an issue and say “Hey, honey, this is really bothering me and here is why.” To the right one, you won’t even have to speak the words. I must be as transparent as a sheet, or perhaps, it’s because of what I think, him and I belong with one another. Zane always knows when something is wrong with me. I can’t hide it and he always always wants to talk until whatever is wrong is resolved, even if it can’t be fixed right then, even if it’s just taking my mind off of whatever is bothering me. If this is what the future has in store for us I am so ready. I couldn’t ask for more than what I have in my life right now. Even from hundreds of miles away he can pick up on something that’s awry with me.

I don’t pray. I’m not particularly religious. I’ve had a lot of up’s and down’s in my life. Those of you who know me well know that I pretty much associate with being agnostic. While I don’t normally think to do such a thing. I hit my knees and prayed recently. I cried my eyes out and prayed. I did this because I am so thankful for everything in my life right now.

There are some really big possible hurdles ahead. Hurdles I won’t talk about, but hurdles just the same. Suffice it to say I’m scared, I’m tired, and I don’t know how the next few months will be. My conditions are a constant battle for me and I’m already so worn down from the fight. I do everything I can to keep my chin up and keep moving. Zane is right there with a strong hand to hold my chin up for me on days it’s just too weak. He’s been home for six days and today I had to watch him drive away again. Being without him for five weeks was torture. This time we don’t have to do that again. We will see each other again in two weeks. Still I hate watching him leave, and I miss him just the same, it’ll be so much easier this time though.

He’s my best friend in the whole world. He’s so funny, sweet, smart, and loving. He makes me a better person all the time too. He’s always teaching me new things and helping me get better at dealing with the world around me, and he helps me see the world in new ways. I will never be able to thank him enough for who he makes me and how he helps me. When he puts his arms around me and holds me tight, it warms my heart in ways only he can. He’s the only person who truly and honestly makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I can only hope that I earn his love and help him in return. So here I sit, blessed, happy, and while I’m scared of a few things in life, overall I am so happy with so much. Waiting for his return as usual. That roaring engine will come back down that drive in another few weeks and I’ll be here, ready for him as always.

Love you Zane.

What a wonderful Christmas, plus Gamer Girl Monthly.

 

Hello all and wlecome to another edition of Shari’s life.

What’s going on in my world today?Well, I did in fact have the best Christmas ever.

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A very nice set of Chicago cutlery knives with a pole sharpener, a Mr. Coffee coffee pot, and a washable filter for it, an adorable salt and pepper shaker set to go with that beautiful dining room table which was also a Christmas gift, a tardis mug where the tardis relocates with heat and another Clive Cussler novel. I also got 75 deluxe Hershey’s kisses and 48 Ferrero Rocher chocolates. My favorites!!

Alexandr got some amazing presents including an easel, a talking activity table, a stuffed baymax, a stuffed ocelot from Minecraft, and loads of match box cars. He also got three tractor trailers, his favorites above all of the expensive toys and the stars of the show lol.

Zane got multiple things including tin signs from Fallout that advertise Nuka Cola and the Repconn facility but I’ll post pictures once they’re hung up.

This Christmas was incredibly special to me. Made even more special by those I was surrounded with. We got to see my sister and brother in law and niece’s and nephew’s and also got some beautiful china and some other very nice things from them as gifts. Then I got to be surrounded by Zane and my beautiful son who is growing way to fast.

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Now on to what I got in the mail today!

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Woooo! I’ve been wanting to try this for quite a while and finally caved. It came today. The first thing inside?

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This super cool scarf. No brand but decent quality, smells like the inside of a sears lol. Love it.

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Under the scarf was this bag, and a card.

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The swag inside was amazing. All decent quality. Here’s what came and I’ll elaborate afterward.

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So in each box you get three jewelry bits and some extras. In this case the scarf, and the bag and button I figure could be considered the extras. The Minecraft necklace is from JINX! so it’s legit I put it on right away but it came in the JINX packaging. The earrings we gather are meant to be Kingdom Hearts and the backings actually seem to be surgical. My ears are very very sensitive so I was worried but no irritation. I love the D-Pad ring as well and it is also fabulous quality. If you’re a girl and a gamer and you’re on the fence, for 13$ a month + shipping, do it. There are codes o plenty for 3$ off your first month too. Dooooooo eeeet.

Until next time everyone, I hope your Christmas was Merry and bright, or whatever holiday you celebrated!

Shari

My body, my journey, and the truth of our world.

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Once upon a time, this was me. At around 6 months pregnant. I didn’t get much bigger, and shortly after I gave birth I didn’t get much smaller. Turns out a lot of that was actual weight. My son was only about 3.6 lbs of that. Due to a lot of complications I gained a lot more weight than I ever should have. Boy was I unhappy after I had my son. This was in December of 2013. At my biggest I was 220ish pounds. I’ve struggled with weight a lot in my life. I’ve gone from big to small and everything in between. I’m pretty hard on myself about it too and pretty much any of you who know me well know this about me and will hear me say pretty nasty things about myself from time to time lol. I think all girls are pretty guilty of this same thing and we all know why. Our culture makes this easy to do. After I gave birth I was sat at a size 16 I felt fat, disgusting, and absolutely hated everything about the way I looked from head to toe. Now lets flash back a little bit.

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These are me around 2012, when I was a 0/1 and around 155 lbs. This is about the smallest I’ve been in my life, I’ve been a bit smaller, but this is me with the most muscle mass I’ve had, lowest weight, and the HEALTHIEST I’ve been. You see, I’ve suffered in the past with an eating disorder, which is something that most of you probably do not know. I am a former anorexic. This took multiple years for me to recover from, and is something I dealt with for multiple years in therapy from the ages of 11-13. It is not something I deal with anymore, self image however, is still a daily battle for me as a result, and I CONSTANTLY have to remind myself that just because I am not stick/rail thin, does not mean I am not worth while. I must be healthy, that is the most important thing. I ran across an article today that reminded me why my self image needs this reminder and why it’s never been the best thing.

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Our social representation of beauty is so absolutely messed up. It’s totally screwed. The womenand even men in magazines are not what they appear and we all strive for a version of beauty that plain and simple? ISN’T.  It doesn’t exist. It’s so hard to remind ourselves that our thighs may never be completely straight, there may always be a little curve, and after having a child? I might always have a little pooch, even if I work my ass off an have abs for days, SKIN may still be a thing that I can’t ever get rid of. You know what? THAT’S OKAY. I am absolutely beautiful JUST THE WAY I AM. There is nothing wrong with me just the way I am right now. I do a twenty minute work out every day, I do this because I am sick and want to do everything I can do be healthy and I know that being overweight for being as short as I am isn’t healthy for me. Being the size I was I felt a lot better than I do right now so I am doing what I can do get back there. No crazy diets, no insane hanging-from-my-toes-while-drinking-wheatgrass-shots stuff, just exercise. That’s it. All under the supervision of my doctor. I’ve lost exactly 0 weight so far. I’m pretty much holding steady at 174lbs despite my the fact that in the last 6 months I have gone from a size 16 to a size 6. So do me a favor ladies I know and ladies I don’t. Don’t change yourself for anyone but you. Not because you want to look like the girls you see in magazines or in the media, because that’s all a load of crap. Not because someone else says you should unless it’s a doctor or health issue. Do it for you, do it to be healthy, do it because you want to, and do it the right way. There’s so much negativity in this world and it’s so easy to get caught up in it. You’re too fat, your arms don’t look right, your nose isn’t shaped right, your calves aren’t muscular enough, you have too much belly, your lovehandles are too big, your chest isn’t big enough, or it’s too small. Whatever, from whoever, it’s so easy to be criticized based on our appearance. Women get body modifications and plastic surgery to change their face and bodies all the time because of the things people say about them and because they don’t feel comfortable in their own skin. I dealt with this growing up day in and day out and multiple times it kept me from going to school. I hid from classmates and cried in bathrooms from the vicious teasing I got from other children/teenagers.Will I make it back down to a 0/1, maybe, maybe not, am I gonna try, sure, am I gonna stress myself over it? No, not at all. If I stayed right where I am right now I’d be absolutely proud of myself and happy. I look amazing, I’m much healthier than I was before and that’s a great thing. So to everyone out there, be happy with yourself and who you are. The only person’s opinion that really TRULY matters in the end is yours. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, remember that. Until next time, love yourself, stay classy ladies and gents, you are all gorgeous!

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Me November 2015. 5/6 sizes from my goal.

Another year, another Christmas to come.

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Every year I’ve always looked forward to this holiday. I think because it was the one time of year that most years, I can remember as being happy, for the moment, in my crappy family. Presents were given, even though in the following months my sisters and I would often see those same presents find their way into the hands of other people or pawn shop owners never to return. At that time of year we got to be happy, even for a fleeting moment. Most years we got to see our grandparents, who I love dearly. Our parents didn’t fight on most years, there was gifts, happiness, food and laughter. The things you’d expect for anyone. The picture of a happy family. I know that having things isn’t what makes Christmas special but it does help, as does having a place to live, and food on the table. In the last 8 years I’ve gone without one or some combination of all of those things at Christmas, or some other part of the year as well. I know that I never have any desire to have that be part of my life again. I also know that I love giving and I have so much in me to give that it makes me so happy to see joy in other people. Particularly those I love. Lately, I’ve been able to see joy from a new angle in my life. For once I’ve been able to see what life is like in a way I’ve always wanted. I’ve spent my entire life in a constant struggle. Like my whole world could come crashing down on me at any moment, and has at times. Goodness is it heavy to pick back up from under it and put it back where it belongs, but I’ve certainly done it my fair share of times and then some. For months now though, I haven’t had to feel that way, and even more so, I’ve been with someone who holds that world up, hand in hand with me. That’s a great feeling. There are so many basic things I’ve not had as even a remote worry or question that I wondered if it would ever be that way for me. Not just monetarily, but emotionally as well. I have a house and a home. I have a place to live and the love of my family.

I was at a stop light in Traffic today and I looked over at a home with twinkling lights hung in the window and watched as they danced. In my head I flashed forward to all the Christmases I know I’ll have moving forward and how wonderful I absolutely know they will be. I can’t explain how happy I am with my life. I may not have my full health, but I have good days and bad, and I try my best to enjoy the good days as much as I possibly can, whenever I can. I enjoy so much about my life. I love my wonderful boyfriend Zane more and more every day, and very soon we will celebrate the fact that we’ve been together for six months, I love my son who brings light into my world with everything he does even when he drives me to the brink some days lol. I even enjoy being a house girlfriend and home mom. I miss school and can’t wait to go back in January, it’ll be a little slower paced so that’ll be nice, but being able to be here with Alex to help him learn and grow, doing laundry, dishes, making sure everything here is taken care of and in order? I love it, it makes me very happy. Not everyone has that ability, I have it for two reasons. Zane is a great provider and affords me that ability which makes him absolutely amazing, and I am unable to work anymore. As a result of the two I get to be here and I couldn’t be more thankful for my position in life. I am so lucky to have what I have despite the challenges I face, I could have, and have had it much worse in my life and it is so full of love, happiness, and pure elation that it spills out of me sometimes. I love it.

There are days I wonder if I do enough to earn the love I get from my family, but I work as much as I can to make sure I do. I like to think they know how much I care for them through my actions, and that’s all I can hope for.

So today I leave you with probably my all time favorite Christmas song.