Every year I’ve always looked forward to this holiday. I think because it was the one time of year that most years, I can remember as being happy, for the moment, in my crappy family. Presents were given, even though in the following months my sisters and I would often see those same presents find their way into the hands of other people or pawn shop owners never to return. At that time of year we got to be happy, even for a fleeting moment. Most years we got to see our grandparents, who I love dearly. Our parents didn’t fight on most years, there was gifts, happiness, food and laughter. The things you’d expect for anyone. The picture of a happy family. I know that having things isn’t what makes Christmas special but it does help, as does having a place to live, and food on the table. In the last 8 years I’ve gone without one or some combination of all of those things at Christmas, or some other part of the year as well. I know that I never have any desire to have that be part of my life again. I also know that I love giving and I have so much in me to give that it makes me so happy to see joy in other people. Particularly those I love. Lately, I’ve been able to see joy from a new angle in my life. For once I’ve been able to see what life is like in a way I’ve always wanted. I’ve spent my entire life in a constant struggle. Like my whole world could come crashing down on me at any moment, and has at times. Goodness is it heavy to pick back up from under it and put it back where it belongs, but I’ve certainly done it my fair share of times and then some. For months now though, I haven’t had to feel that way, and even more so, I’ve been with someone who holds that world up, hand in hand with me. That’s a great feeling. There are so many basic things I’ve not had as even a remote worry or question that I wondered if it would ever be that way for me. Not just monetarily, but emotionally as well. I have a house and a home. I have a place to live and the love of my family.
I was at a stop light in Traffic today and I looked over at a home with twinkling lights hung in the window and watched as they danced. In my head I flashed forward to all the Christmases I know I’ll have moving forward and how wonderful I absolutely know they will be. I can’t explain how happy I am with my life. I may not have my full health, but I have good days and bad, and I try my best to enjoy the good days as much as I possibly can, whenever I can. I enjoy so much about my life. I love my wonderful boyfriend Zane more and more every day, and very soon we will celebrate the fact that we’ve been together for six months, I love my son who brings light into my world with everything he does even when he drives me to the brink some days lol. I even enjoy being a house girlfriend and home mom. I miss school and can’t wait to go back in January, it’ll be a little slower paced so that’ll be nice, but being able to be here with Alex to help him learn and grow, doing laundry, dishes, making sure everything here is taken care of and in order? I love it, it makes me very happy. Not everyone has that ability, I have it for two reasons. Zane is a great provider and affords me that ability which makes him absolutely amazing, and I am unable to work anymore. As a result of the two I get to be here and I couldn’t be more thankful for my position in life. I am so lucky to have what I have despite the challenges I face, I could have, and have had it much worse in my life and it is so full of love, happiness, and pure elation that it spills out of me sometimes. I love it.
There are days I wonder if I do enough to earn the love I get from my family, but I work as much as I can to make sure I do. I like to think they know how much I care for them through my actions, and that’s all I can hope for.
So today I leave you with probably my all time favorite Christmas song.