Constantly Mourning, and now I am 29.

In front of you, you see a woman who us struggling to maintain, one who, from day to day,e is doing everything she must and can to hold it together. While you may see the smile on my face sometimes, it all too often masks the complete anguish and turmoil I am in at this point.  Yes, that is a cane, yes i need it fairly often now. I even have a handicapped placard for the car I am no longer allowed to drive.

Yesterday I turned 29 and while my Birthday was the best I have ever had, some part of me is the saddest I have ever managed to be. I feel more of a burden and hindrance than ever before to my son and husband. In the past four months or so I have lost more of my independence than I thought possible by this age. My amount of medications is staggering to a degree that is officially alarming. Now that I am epileptic that takes a large chunk of me doing certain things without help, like driving, away. I even have a wheelchair on standby should I need it as well.

I miss being 19 sometimes, and sometimes I wish that Zane had met that version of me. So full of spit, fire, grit, and determination. Everything mentally I am today but with a bit more of an ability to carry on. Then at least Alex and him would have gotten more out of the less chronically ill me than they are now.

It is incredible to me to look back on all I am and wish for so much more. I always knew I would likely regret choices, but I would say that my choices led me here and I would not take them back. Now my real regret is not living fully when I had the days in front of me to advance and swim in. I had opportunities on and off my whole life to push myself as hard as I do on ky good days now, but man, the things I could have accomplished. I feel as though I should have made better use of the time given. I suppose everyone probably feels that way a bit.

I cried yesterday, and I cried because I know that I will likely never be what I once was and yet again it is time to lay to rest another version of myself that I will miss.

I do not know how many more years my precious life holds. I do know this.

When I wake up each morning I am greeted by a man who tells me he loves me and who makes sure I take my medication, and get food after I am up and about. Then I get to wake up our kid, who, despite his many issues is always at his door to greet us with a “Mama, Dada!”. Sometimes we get hugs, sometimes we do not. I just remember to drink in the mornings and nights that I do get them.

Thais birthday was the best of my life, hands down. It was also very sad. I have a feeling moving foward in my life that might be normal for me. For those of tou close to me, I love you all very much. Here is to next year and making it to the big 3-0. ( My cake and gifts thia year were awesome.)

Goodnight Everyone,