A Little Past Little Rock,..

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Today finds me in somewhat good spirits despite the fact that I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried.

I have been incredibly lonely as of late and missing Zane sorely, I know I’ll adjust with time but it seems like life is hell bent on throwing as many little challenges as possible to annoy and weigh me down in his absence. I’m doing the best that I can but DAMN, really? Everytime I turn around something is breaking or falling apart or there is something else I have to fix. Ugh. Like Alex throwing a toy car, and furniture moving pads into the hopper/grinder of the cat genie after we JUST got it fixed -.-

In other news, I finally made it to level 10 in Pokémon Go, so that’s a thing.  It’s been a fun distraction and I’ve become every so slightly obsessed with it lol. I’ve been trying my best to find things to distract myself and throw myself into when I’ve been feeling up to it, though I haven’t been feeling well. I’m pretty sure I’m coming down with a cold of some sort, which is just fantastic. I have had multiple youtube channels over the years, and I have always talked about making one for singing. I started one for pony music for the My Little Pony reboot show a while ago which drew some attention but I wanted something that is a little more widespread. Intro my new channel. This will encompass Vlog posts as well as singing and anything else I feel like posting on it! I hope to one day get a handheld camera and even do some cooking videos.

Here is my latest though I did cover “Ours by Taylor Swift the other day. Please if you have any comments or suggestions let me know. I have been trying to pick good songs to do. Lee Ann Womack was someone I really loved as a young kid and I feel like our voices match well. Who knew I’d share her name someday huh?

Did you and jupiter conspire to get me?

CROSSROADS

I was talking with some friends today about a subject and it brought up the song that Zane I both hold dear. One day I would like to make our story into a book, but for now I’m going to commit this to my blog.

I’ve been through alot, and last year a lot of choices had to be made in my world. I made a very hard choice to end a relationship, and go it alone. In that venture I was presented with a new prospect.

You see Zane has been one of my best friends for a very long time. For many years. He’s been someone that despite any differences we have had in our past, we have always found each other in the dark, and held each other up to the light. Last year during my dark time and having to make the choices that I did. I found him by my side more than once. I was faced with weather or not to allow myself to entertain him as someone I would consider dating. This was not a choice I took lightly. He’ll tell you himself I did not make it easy on him lol. I spent a lot of time dwelling over the decision and trying to decide in my heart how I really felt. I did not want haste to cloud my judgement.

I remember waking up from a very vivid dream, in that dream I found myself standing at a four way stop, and as I stood there I was unable to will myself to choose which direction to go, and which path on that road to take. No matter how much I urged my feet to move forward, I simply could not.

For those of you who know me, or follow my blog, you know that my husband is an over the road truck driver, so during all of this, I was not able to see him, which may have been the best thing in making my decision or trying to sort myself out. It gave me a fair bit of distance to clear my head.

One day I got particularly angry at myself for being unable to make up my mind and have any clarity or hold on anything. I’m usually so level headed, why was everything so incredibly murky?! I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and I was so scared of being hurt, I was so fragile…

So I ran. I ran as hard as I could, as fast as I could. I remember hearing my feet pound the pavement. Thump, thump, I could hear my tennis shoes hit the asphalt with the full weight of my body with each individual step. I could hear the sharp breath in my lungs and feel the sting as they drew in. I didn’t know where I was going or when I would stop. I just ran until I could run anymore. I even remember yelling at some point.

When I finally did stop I looked around and all I could see surrounding me were trailers. The kind he would haul around attached to his truck. Somehow without realizing it, I had made it to pretty much the only place in this one horse town that has a giant lot full of them. I sat down for a minute and soaked in the irony of it all before sending him a message to that effect, then of course it began to rain. I actually welcomed it in the blazing heat. I began walking aimlessly with no destination in mind still. I suddenly stopped walking and found myself compelled to look up. There I was standing at that four way stop. The one from my dream. I had never been there before but there it was. Somehow I found my footing and was able to continue forward and pick a direction this time.

Then, there in front of me passing down the road was a white dodge truck, with an amber light bar, and all I could think in my head was “Sarah”.

Those of you who don’t know, my husband has gone by Dodge, or my more familiar version “Dodgie” for years, due to his love for Dodge’s, and he had a particular truck named Sarah. Her identical twin must have passed directly next to me.

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I sent him another message and said I swear I felt like someone was tapping me on the shoulder, or that he was following me.

His response was it must be the universe, and a simple LOL. I kept walking.

A minute later, the song “Bright” by Echosmith came over my headphones, as the entire time I had been walking I was listening to music. I had never heard this song before as it was fairly new at the time. I got chills and almost dropped my phone. I stopped and sat down below a stop sign. He didn’t know it at the time, but right then and there I felt I was being told what to do.

I believe in signs all around us. Call it fate, call it divine hand or intervention, or call it coincidence if you like. I believe something was telling me that day that Zane was my path. That I was supposed to give him that chance, reach out, and take his hand. I was terrified and in awe of the signs that day, and I am still shocked by the things that occurred. As a result, that song has always been our banner to each other and since we are apart often, we say that at least we can see the same stars at night.

I know it might sound cheesy, and I know a lot of people say it, but of all the love stories, I think mine is our favorite. It took a lot for me to make the choice I did, and it was not an easy one. It changed a great deal about my life, but I am glad I did it, because I could not be happier with Zane as my partner, lover, and husband.

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Don’t hold a grudge or a chip and here’s why…

I know you got mountains to climb, but, always stay humble and kind….

So many things have happened since my birthday a few short months ago, and it’s almost too much to catalog. I can’t even really go through it all, but suffice it to say, between multiple trips to the hospital, a stint in ICU, and in general more health issues than I care to admit to myself, I seem to have stabilized somewhat. Toward the end of this month I finally make my way to the Rheumatologist I have been waiting to see since last year. With any luck this will get us some more real answers, unfortunately it may create more hiccups.

There have been plenty of new developments, Zane came home for multiple months, and is now back on the road again, back to doing what he’s always been good at 😉 I know he’s married to me, but that blacktop is his second home, and I’m okay with that. There has been so much more that’s happened and I could go on forever about everything that’s developed over the last few months. Let’s just say I see so much coming on the horizon. I will meet it all with my head held high as I always have, and with my hand held by those whom I love. Zane has been such a driving force for me this last year and I can’t believe how much I have changed being with him.

They say the world and the people in it can change you, and that’s certainly true. I think he has changed me more than he will ever know, but more than that he’s helped me find me again. It’s like settling back into the earth that I once was. I’m comfortable in my own skin again. I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be someone I’m not. No need to impress or keep appearances for anyone. I can be as raw as I feel I truly am. I can sob and let my emotions as free as they are. If I honestly cannot handle the day and the cross I bear is to heavy, he will take it off of me and hold it for as long as I need, and hold me in the meanwhile. Even from hundreds of miles away. I have never met someone so kind and gentle, nor someone so caring. I cannot ever see myself anywhere else than in this life.

Everything lately has been so heavy on me too, there has been so much difficulty, so much sickness and pain, one bit of bad news after another. One unanswered question after another. I feel like it’s a constant spiral some days.

Alexandr continues to be my guiding light though, every day I awake to his sweet smile and “Hi!” I get to look into his beautiful face and get kisses and hugs, I play cars and teach him things, he puts bugs in my lap and we play in the dirt. I spend too much time in the sun, and I wouldn’t trade and ounce of it.

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I really do wish I could see the world through his eyes, the wonder he must feel at every little thing he sees. He has been making great progress in therapy, his favorite color is orange and he is doing great at saying them now. He can now say “Juice, eat, and bite” he knows what they all mean and uses them respectively to get what he wants. He also says “Thank you” and “Hi” he is starting to call me “Moma” on occasion, which is rare, but just about makes me cry when it does happen. We had a regression of his verbal skills early on and “mama” dropped from his vocabulary completely after being around for a very short time, since then he has not referred to me by a word at all. I’m very touched he is starting to use it again and I cherish it when I hear it. Sometimes it wears on me with how hard I work to not hear it. I love him so very very much, he is my everything, my soul even in some ways. To have him not say things like “love you” or “momma” is hard sometimes. I know that some people who have children who are somewhat non verbal, autism spectrum, or special needs will understand this. It can be difficult when they cannot reach out to you through words.

I try to remind myself that it’s not my fault, nor is it his. It may never be his way, and that is okay. I know that he loves me, and appreciates me. So when he does hug me, or kiss me, I just appreciate it that much more. I also do not scold myself for feeling jealous or upset when I sit at the park and see mothers of other two year olds carry full conversations with their children, where they say “I love you so much mommy!!” I remind myself it’s okay to hurt. I’m allowed to feel that way, just as I was allowed to mourn my pregnancy, and feel pain over the things that I lost in his infancy. I will mourn a great many things as he grows, and I will not allow him to feel that any of it is his fault, nor will I EVER let him feel like he is anything less in this world even if others want him to feel that way.

I know that he will have challenges. I know that his growing up will not be easy, but I’ve always grown to know that being his mother, or being a mother at all, is something that takes more than I ever imagined, it takes every part of your being and then some. I will spend the rest of whatever life I am granted making my son know that his mommy loves him and has every faith in everything he could ever be and will be in this world and will stand behind him 100%.

I’m not entirely sure when I started writing this that it had a direction, but perhaps I just needed to talk a little bit, and get out some things that have been inside me lately, and this being my platform, and my soap box, I pour my heart out here.

The truth is, I love my family. I love my son more than myself, and I love my husband more with each day that passes, and as it sits I see only better things on the horizon for all of us. Like I’m being embraced by a warm hug most days, even if some days are hard, nothing breaks through that hug.

Thank you to those of you who share in reading about my family and my journey through life here on my blog.

Till next time… Always be Humble and Kind.