Don’t hold a grudge or a chip and here’s why…

I know you got mountains to climb, but, always stay humble and kind….

So many things have happened since my birthday a few short months ago, and it’s almost too much to catalog. I can’t even really go through it all, but suffice it to say, between multiple trips to the hospital, a stint in ICU, and in general more health issues than I care to admit to myself, I seem to have stabilized somewhat. Toward the end of this month I finally make my way to the Rheumatologist I have been waiting to see since last year. With any luck this will get us some more real answers, unfortunately it may create more hiccups.

There have been plenty of new developments, Zane came home for multiple months, and is now back on the road again, back to doing what he’s always been good at 😉 I know he’s married to me, but that blacktop is his second home, and I’m okay with that. There has been so much more that’s happened and I could go on forever about everything that’s developed over the last few months. Let’s just say I see so much coming on the horizon. I will meet it all with my head held high as I always have, and with my hand held by those whom I love. Zane has been such a driving force for me this last year and I can’t believe how much I have changed being with him.

They say the world and the people in it can change you, and that’s certainly true. I think he has changed me more than he will ever know, but more than that he’s helped me find me again. It’s like settling back into the earth that I once was. I’m comfortable in my own skin again. I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be someone I’m not. No need to impress or keep appearances for anyone. I can be as raw as I feel I truly am. I can sob and let my emotions as free as they are. If I honestly cannot handle the day and the cross I bear is to heavy, he will take it off of me and hold it for as long as I need, and hold me in the meanwhile. Even from hundreds of miles away. I have never met someone so kind and gentle, nor someone so caring. I cannot ever see myself anywhere else than in this life.

Everything lately has been so heavy on me too, there has been so much difficulty, so much sickness and pain, one bit of bad news after another. One unanswered question after another. I feel like it’s a constant spiral some days.

Alexandr continues to be my guiding light though, every day I awake to his sweet smile and “Hi!” I get to look into his beautiful face and get kisses and hugs, I play cars and teach him things, he puts bugs in my lap and we play in the dirt. I spend too much time in the sun, and I wouldn’t trade and ounce of it.

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I really do wish I could see the world through his eyes, the wonder he must feel at every little thing he sees. He has been making great progress in therapy, his favorite color is orange and he is doing great at saying them now. He can now say “Juice, eat, and bite” he knows what they all mean and uses them respectively to get what he wants. He also says “Thank you” and “Hi” he is starting to call me “Moma” on occasion, which is rare, but just about makes me cry when it does happen. We had a regression of his verbal skills early on and “mama” dropped from his vocabulary completely after being around for a very short time, since then he has not referred to me by a word at all. I’m very touched he is starting to use it again and I cherish it when I hear it. Sometimes it wears on me with how hard I work to not hear it. I love him so very very much, he is my everything, my soul even in some ways. To have him not say things like “love you” or “momma” is hard sometimes. I know that some people who have children who are somewhat non verbal, autism spectrum, or special needs will understand this. It can be difficult when they cannot reach out to you through words.

I try to remind myself that it’s not my fault, nor is it his. It may never be his way, and that is okay. I know that he loves me, and appreciates me. So when he does hug me, or kiss me, I just appreciate it that much more. I also do not scold myself for feeling jealous or upset when I sit at the park and see mothers of other two year olds carry full conversations with their children, where they say “I love you so much mommy!!” I remind myself it’s okay to hurt. I’m allowed to feel that way, just as I was allowed to mourn my pregnancy, and feel pain over the things that I lost in his infancy. I will mourn a great many things as he grows, and I will not allow him to feel that any of it is his fault, nor will I EVER let him feel like he is anything less in this world even if others want him to feel that way.

I know that he will have challenges. I know that his growing up will not be easy, but I’ve always grown to know that being his mother, or being a mother at all, is something that takes more than I ever imagined, it takes every part of your being and then some. I will spend the rest of whatever life I am granted making my son know that his mommy loves him and has every faith in everything he could ever be and will be in this world and will stand behind him 100%.

I’m not entirely sure when I started writing this that it had a direction, but perhaps I just needed to talk a little bit, and get out some things that have been inside me lately, and this being my platform, and my soap box, I pour my heart out here.

The truth is, I love my family. I love my son more than myself, and I love my husband more with each day that passes, and as it sits I see only better things on the horizon for all of us. Like I’m being embraced by a warm hug most days, even if some days are hard, nothing breaks through that hug.

Thank you to those of you who share in reading about my family and my journey through life here on my blog.

Till next time… Always be Humble and Kind.

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