All my friends are heathens, take it slow…

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I’m not exactly anyone’s idea of a “lady”. I’m not going to say I every really tried to be. I was always the one who avoided the color pink like the plague as a child and swore off dresses. I was climbing trees with and riding bikes with the boys.

I had a conversation with an old friend, Richelle today. It was a short catch up and chit chat about random things in which purses and shoes came up. Little known fact, I have become an incredibly large shoe addict. I am going to confess it outright I have fallen into this guilty catagory now. I have more shoes than I have room for or occasions in which to wear them to. When we buy our home, which we are shooting for hopefully next year, we are going to honestly have to plan for a larger closet to accommodate my clothes and shoes now lol.  I also have a hard time passing up a good deal on a new pair even though I have so many lol. I’ve also noticed that I’ve taken up more girly hobbies as of late. I certainly use makeup more often, I regularly carry an ACTUAL purse instead of one of those crossbody bags that barely passes for one, and find myself shopping for multiple ones as a guilty pleasure. I wear skirts and dresses and love it. I enjoy accesories and have an extensive collection of girly things. I mentioned that I even have a pair of tennis shoes that are primarily pink now. She flattered me by saying that I was most certainly girly, if not adorable in our younger years anyway.

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As you can see my style was quite that of I LIVE IN JEANS AND TANK TOPS, throw in a hoodie for good measure and a t-shirt here and there with a band on it and you had my style lol. The other picture is from today. I’d like to say I’ve grown up, and changed, while I still wear t-shirts of course I’m not exactly what I was back then. I am pretty sure my face is stuck in some time warp, because I still look like a baby LOL. I’ll take it for as long as my body decides to let me keep it. I may be falling apart on the inside but I still look eighteen sooo, eat that chronic illnesses! ❤

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This did get me to thinking about something else, as today marked a very important day, as did yesterday, in my personal history, as well as our national history.

How often do we realize what we mean to others? I spent so much time of my life worrying about others accepting me, saying the right thing, doing the right thing. I was always so incredibly insecure and awkward. Afraid of losing those around me. So very few of the people around me even knew that but I was so afraid of them turning on me or their friendships with me being conditional that I was fearful of getting truly close to anyone, and in some cases I still am. I stopped to ponder today if some of those around me back then ever felt the same. Maybe I was one of those people to them? Maybe I was the one they looked up to? Maybe, just maybe I was one in their life whose opinion really mattered to them.

I feel like a lot of us let our insecurities hold us back, from wearing what we want, talking to those around us, or letting in people. You never know. You could be someone’s inspiration, or foundation. That friend you are so scared to lose because you are afraid of their opinion, simply because you think so highly of them? You may be that person to them. Never underestimate what you mean to someone. Live life with as little fear as possible. Go out and reach for the things you want. I am thankful for my husband Zane because I spent a large portion of my life surrounded by people who told me I couldn’t or shouldn’t do things because I was “too short” or “not quite in shape enough” or “couldn’t pull it off” and I let it hold me back from things that were really part of me anyway.

For the first time in my life I am starting to experience it unbridled. I try very hard to keep my fear of rejection or judgement in check, and do what I feel happy doing, so long as I am not hurting anyone else in the process, or myself. Honestly? We only get one spin on this Earth, and mine may very well be a short one. I want to show my son Alexandr he shouldn’t be afraid to be himself, and I never want to regret the things I didn’t try or do, the people I didn’t let in, or that I wasn’t there for.

Also, have a song, because it’s stuck in my friggin’ head.

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