The title quote I’ve listed is attributed to Kotzker Rebbe. While I totally agree with this ideal, it does not always mean it works for everyone. One of the things I absolutely love about being in the Reform movement is that your spirituality and practice is yours to own to a degree. What I do is on me, and what you do is on you. I am not your judge, I am your sister.
I have taken a liking to the works of Heschel over the last year and I have always been of the philosophy that if you don’t have the best words to start yourself off, seek to those more intelligent than yourself. They have probably said it better well before you.
Last night we had what is to be one of our last classes, and on that note, I have a date set for my Beit Din and, God willing, my Mikvah and conversion alongside my young son. The amount of reflection in me right now is unreal. Unfortunately it’s been coupled with a great deal of health issues, however, they are beginning to even out. I’ve had to be incredibly careful with myself, which has meant my rationale winning at times over what my heart wishes. Which really brings me to the initial point. The topic for our class was the Judaic ideal of God. We spent the night discussing (with one of my most favorite facilitators of the year to be frank, discussion, banter, and debate in Judaism go hand in hand which I adore) the many different meanings across different movements of Judaism of God.
We talked about the components of God in the world. We explored how many struggle with it, not just in conversion, but as even born Jewish individuals. I mean truly, what a concept! We as humans are built with egos well beyond our own comprehension and sometimes control so at times the idea of the LACK of control over our own lives and destiny and the idea that there is something more powerful, much less something we can’t interact with, that’s a big pill to swallow. Many, grapple with the concept their whole lives, I am certainly in the category of a person who did that for most of my life. That is not to say that I may never go to those mats once more, but for now there is rest, for me. I spoke up some, but as this is my space I want to expand, from my viewpoint, here. Maybe it will help those looking to enter the process, or perhaps those simply looking for some hope or perspective in their Jewish life.
I am an incredibly rational person. I always have been. If you go back and read when I started this journey, conversion was a flatout choice of mine, end of story. I already knew what I was doing the moment I walked into the synagogue my family is now active members of and has made a home at. I put long and hard though and searching into my choice to commit to this. This is not the first time I have made decisions this way and it will not be the last. My belief? This is part of how God plays a role in my life.
You see, I see God in everything. I feel God in everyday life. Be that the amazing milestones my son undertakes that we have waited a very long time to see and watching him and his dad build models together. Or sitting at my dining room table and watching as the sun sets over the hill behind my back deck and waiting with baited breath for the gardenia bush to bloom, ever reminding me of the blessed memory of my mother in law. I breathe in those moments just as much as the oxygen I need to survive and when I do it’s like being lifted up by God. True, I feel just the same when bad things can occur to even still. I feel comfort at times when there is no one there to rightly be comforting me, or my sons small hand will find mine when I cry and say “It okay mama” and I know it will be, and is. I find that strength and I know my strength of will is not just my own. This world rationally is so much larger than is possible to just be. I can’t believe it any other way and I feel otherwise every single day, in every single thing I do. In the music that I hear and sing that touches me so much I can’t help but shed tears.
My husband and I almost weren’t, but we are because I made a choice and I made that choice because I was shown it was the right thing, practically by yellow flashing lights in front of my face. I may not know the big picture and what the plans are and I remind myself of that all the time, but I know that I am not alone. The Rabbi used the word relationship a great deal last night and I couldn’t agree more that it is a relationship. Just as advertised it’s a covenant and you’ve got to work at it, by doing your part to keep things together, in your own life, and the world. You can’t ever give up and give in to settling for good enough, do better, and be better. I spent most of my life turning completely away from that and now that I haven’t my life has been filled with more blessings as has my families than I ever thought possible. Find your way to find God, however that fits for you. You’ll not regret doing so and it will fill your life with more joy to have those people and that covenant in your life than I could ever say if I was given a lifetime of words.
I still cannot fathom that this part of my journey is almost at an end. I have been finishing up some of the books I started this year. Looking into which ones I want to acquire next (There’s one about the first female Rabbi I’ve been REALLY wanting), and making my next plans for continuing my Jewish education when possible. I also need to begin shopping for a Tallit. They are a bit pricey and with our medical expenses I haven’t been able to fit one into our budget, but I dearly want one, especially for the high holidays. Which, I’ll be singing for! On Erev Rosh HaShanah and for N’liah. I’m very excited. What an amazing start to an amazing new part of my life. I’m looking forward to all of the amazing things to come, and watching all the blessings our son will receive in the years to come.