The Way I Am

 

Sometimes you find insight to yourself in the strangest places.

 

You forget the ways in which you touch the lives of others around you, and maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe that’s how we stay grounded. We don’t see in the moment the difference we make, but then there are these times many years later that we are given the chance to reflect with those people, and not only do we know they are better, but so are we.

 

I don’t know at what level I’ve been a help to others, I don’t know that I ever really try to be to be honest. I’m always here, for any and every person who ever needs me that I care about. That’s just my nature and it always has been. If I care for you I’ll drop what I can at a moments notice to be there. I always hope for that same support in return.

 

In some ways it’s bittersweet that I’ve always ended up being the step up in the lives of those I care for. It has really felt a sort of, always the bridesmaid never the bride kind of thing? Though I’m not sure that’s the right analogy since I’m getting divorced, but it seemed somewhat apropos.

 

I really hope I have found my stop in life, that said I had a moment today to feel good about the bad in my past. While there has been heartache and difficulty in walking away, it’s left me and the opposing parties better off, and it seems I’m not the only one who knows it. I’m glad for that. I also know that once you know someone very closely for a long time, there is always part of them that you’ll recognize in a way that I think no one else will. That’s just the way it is.

 

I am always me, but in the last few years I have blossomed and become a much more open version of myself. Lately the parts of myself that I’ve closed and felt I had to hide are opening back up and meeting parts of my personality that are new. It’s been wonderful and freeing. The amount of stress I have on my shoulders is lower than I remember it being in a very long time. I also can’t remember being this happy. If I ever have been, it’d be tough to find the time and match it up.

 

Everything is peaceful. It’s quite in the noise, and center in the chaos. I am filled with happiness.

 

This both reminds me of my past, and my present.

 

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Let’s waste time, chasing cars, around our heads

So much has changed for me as usual, yet somehow through the dizzying nonsense I’m okay.

Divorce is not a word I thought I’d ever find on my lips yet here I am, and it’s okay. I think I numbed myself to the incoming blow so long ago that the pain wasn’t painful. It was releasing. Calming, REFRESHING even, not so much pain but an utter release of emotion that allowed me to let go of so much I’d been holding in for so long. Animosity, upset, hurt, not even pain but utter hurt that hardened over time. It all came flooding out and away, like floating away from it all on a beautiful wave, washing me into the shore, finally on dry land after crashing about in this horrific ocean of turbulence for so long trying to grab any solid object I could. Praying I could stay a float. I finally let myself speak out that I couldn’t do it anymore. My strength wasn’t enough. Strength and Love do not make people compatible or dreams the same. Force of will does not make force of nature.

So Zane and I parted. Now we’re heading to the court date that will begin to finalize the divorce. I’m proud of us both for knowing that we were spent, and knowing that it wasn’t best for us to stay together, despite a few hiccups in that process along the road. It’s been a long time coming. For those who don’t understand how that’s possible given the happy you see everywhere, I don’t believe in airing dirty laundry in public. The glimpses social media get into my life are positive. Who wants to hear that my husband and I were arguing pretty much non stop. Yeah, that’s not the kind of thing you share outside of personal friends. There were some who knew the extent of the damage in the fractures and foundations and I’m glad for the support they gave. I’m also so very glad I found my faith in all this.

That aside.

Matt.

What can I say about Matt?

Jeez, where do I even start.

Psycic, Dashie, my companion through so many things, and the man who gave me away at my wedding oddly enough. Most importantly though, the fiercest and strongest friend I’ve ever had in my life. No matter what I’ve done or how far we’ve gone from each other in life, we alway find each other. He’s hidden from the world. I’ve strayed because of stupid choices, in life, in love, and in general. No matter what he’s always been there, the boy on the other end of the camera. I want to say he was around Twenty Two or so when we met. Which means I would have been pretty much the same age as we are only a year apart, almost exactly. I can still remember meeting him. Having am immediate and instant bond with him, and finding spending time with him easy. We have played games, we have watched shows, youtube, and so many other things. Sometimes we would just sit idly and talk about whatever was on our minds. It never really mattered. It still doesn’t. I have no words for the home that I feel around him. I’m not sure I ever will. I just hope that the feeling stays exactly as it feels right now. I also hope that he feels the same.

“All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see
I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all”
I had a dream last night, and I’ve always put faith in my dreams because it’s my sleeping mind working out what my waking mind cannot, and I think it also has foresight that I simply don’t. Matt took me to a house that wasn’t quite right. It was falling apart and missing windows. Asked me to reserve judgement till we got inside. So I did so. We made our way inside the house and it had some of the most beautiful rooms I had ever seen. Some were really well put together, others not so much. It was as if a graceful hand had started the work but never finished. As he led me from room to room there were good and bad things all around us. The structure was all good, but each place needed something. At the end he stopped me to tell me how much it reminded him of us. How we both needed repairs but that we could do it, and face anything together. That each room that needed work, needed us both. Then he kissed my cheek and walked away from me. I explored the house and took in everything he had to say. Then I worried about where he was. I found the front door and found him standing there on the porch. Waiting. With a smile. He looked at me and said “I’m right here love”. Then I woke up. I hope he’s always standing right there with that smile. Scared though I may be. That is the home I always want to see.