I wonder if I’ll ever fully develop a good sense of self or ability to function.
If any of you have followed me for a while you know that I am incredibly hard on myself. Literally no matter what I do I’m always over analyzing what it is that I’ve done and if I made the correct choice, and also if what I’m doing at that current time is the correct thing. I honestly never know if I’m doing the right thing or if BEING ME is enough. Hell I think the only time I felt semi secure was when I was in therapy over the last six months or so, and my therapist has since quit and I haven’t been able to see her in the last few months, so I don’t have her anymore/a therapist at all. Right now though for the first time in my life I feel happy but so scared. I have plans but I’m SO NERVOUS. I am on the brink of so many things that I have wanted for so long but I initiated so many changes directly before all those things. It’s mildly terrifying.
I am placing an enormous amount of trust in the people around me. Some have absolutely earned it. Others have not. I have so much legal work to do it is legitimately overwhelming me and I don’t even know where to start. I’m watching everything happen and time is running away from me. It’s all happening so fast and I just hope and pray I can keep up with everything. Even thinking of it all gives me the feeling I get when I’m around too many people and I want to explode and disappear at the same time.
I know this. I need to reach out for help more now that I have that. I am so used to taking everything on my shoulders that I forget I can lighten my load. It really is as simple as just asking. I have always had to be the one in control. I don’t need to do that at all. Quite frankly I’m better off if I don’t. I have a partner who shares responsibilities with me. I forget about the strong girl inside of me. When my body is full of weakness, it’s easy to lose sight of the strength I do posses.
I really feel like in some respects I’ve spent the last three years alone. So it’s a shock, albeit a wonderful one, to have someone to lean on regularly, and a partner to count on. The last few months have been wonderful, but also tiring. I’m glad for some events to have passed. I would say my life is beginning, but that’s not true. My life is a wonderful and amazing tapestry of positive and negative choices I’ve made and experiences I’ve had that have brought me to this point in my life. Despite it all, pain, hardship, damage to my self worth, and divorce, I still wouldn’t change a thing as always. I learned a lot and it has brought me to this moment in my life.
Expect more blogs, and possibly more Vlogs as well. I’d really like to start doing that again. I want to look into getting a good digital camera if anyone has any suggestions feel free to chime in.
Until next time darlings,