Out in the garden where we planted the seeds, There is a tree as old as me.

 

I swear every year when it gets close to my birthday I start this period of reflection. Of the choices I’ve made and where my path has lead me in the year prior. My mortality becomes ever present and hits me in the chest so hard. Like I’m being told to pay attention. Not to forget just how sweet life can be, and how bitter it can be just the same.

I’ve seen so much sorrow in my life, and even in the last year of my life I’ve felt pain I’ve never known. The ending of something I thought would be lifelong. Having to be truthful with myself. Like, GUTCHECKINGLY honest. That’s tough guys. To be that honest with yourself hurts. I wanted my marriage to work. I really did. I also had a lot of feelings in my heart early on that it wasn’t going to. I willed my way forward in something that didn’t feel totally right because I believed in us both. I think that’s what some call being blinded by your feelings.

The ugliness that came out of the person I knew hurt the most I think when it came to myself. It tore me down more than I ever thought possible. It was a lot to process. What hurt more than anything else, and still does, is trying to help my son understand. He still doesn’t fully get it, and that may take a while. We are looking at therapy for him. What a blow right? Not only did I feel like I failed at being married but as a parent. I know many will say that’s not true, and I know in time I’ll accept it. I just never want him to feel pain or dejection. That boy has brought more to me in life than I could ever explain to him. He’s my baby boy. He always will be.

So now home has changed, into something different. Something beautiful and unexpected. In truth I’m not sure how to deal with a lot of what’s inside me right now but I know that my heart, mind, and God will help me with those things. I struggle a lot. I am so very limited compared to what I once was. Physically, mentally, and in general. There are so many things I want to be again but I just can’t. Being trapped inside myself is something I’m going to have to learn to deal with. It’s a process of grief on it’s own. The mourning of what I once was. I lose a little more of me every year.

Ever since my conversion and embracing God in my life I feel pulled magnetically forward toward certain things though. The path is often tough but wow the outcomes are so beautiful and marvelous. The risks are so difficult, but I feel like that level of mortality I have allows me to let go and do what I feel I must. Get out of my own way if that makes sense? When I do the rewards I am given are so incredible I feel I may burst at times.

When I wake up, even though I am often in pain or still tired, I take a few groggy blinks around and realize where I am, and smile. There are so few days that I feel heavy. My heart is filled with joy, even though I know I have to drag my way to the bathroom and take a literal handful of pills and wait for them to kick in for me to move around more. Even though my son will want me to pick him up and I’ll have to tell him I can’t, but instead I’ll sit down and let him crawl in my lap (which at five years old he’s getting a bit big for but I dread the day he can’t anymore.). Some days I wake and Matt isn’t up yet and I get to put a hand on his face with the peeks of the sunlight in the morning shining on his cheeks. His lips perk up into a smile and I touch my forehead to his and just drink in the silence and breath him in before we have to get out of our bed.

There has been a great deal of pain in my life, and I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I try not to ask, I try not to think about it. What I do know is this. My life is beautiful, in the now. Even with all the flaws, pain, and difficulty of functioning. I am surrounded by love, joy, and happiness. The business of living and time passing, which it does so quickly. Six months has gone by in the literal blink of an eye. I want to live in it and take every single moment I have in my life and make it extraordinary to whatever degree I am able. For me that may mean coloring pictures in the basement playroom with my little man while we make crazy lion noises. Or watching from the couch as Matt lifts him up and fly’s him around the living room and gives him strong hugs just one more time before he has to go to work. I’m going to do my very best not to forget that these times are so important. I’ve got to hold on to them all.

 

Shari

 

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Learning to Breathe

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I wonder if I’ll ever fully develop a good sense of self or ability to function.

If any of you have followed me for a while you know that I am incredibly hard on myself. Literally no matter what I do I’m always over analyzing what it is that I’ve done and if I made the correct choice, and also if what I’m doing at that current time is the correct thing. I honestly never know if I’m doing the right thing or if BEING ME is enough. Hell I think the only time I felt semi secure was when I was in therapy over the last six months or so, and my therapist has since quit and I haven’t been able to see her in the last few months, so I don’t have her anymore/a therapist at all. Right now though for the first time in my life I feel happy but so scared. I have plans but I’m SO NERVOUS. I am on the brink of so many things that I have wanted for so long but I initiated so many changes directly before all those things. It’s mildly terrifying.

I am placing an enormous amount of trust in the people around me. Some have absolutely earned it. Others have not. I have so much legal work to do it is legitimately overwhelming me and I don’t even know where to start. I’m watching everything happen and time is running away from me. It’s all happening so fast and I just hope and pray I can keep up with everything. Even thinking of it all gives me the feeling I get when I’m around too many people and I want to explode and disappear at the same time.

I know this. I need to reach out for help more now that I have that. I am so used to taking everything on my shoulders that I forget I can lighten my load. It really is as simple as just asking. I have always had to be the one in control. I don’t need to do that at all. Quite frankly I’m better off if I don’t. I have a partner who shares responsibilities with me. I forget about the strong girl inside of me. When my body is full of weakness, it’s easy to lose sight of the strength I do posses.

I really feel like in some respects I’ve spent the last three years alone. So it’s a shock, albeit a wonderful one, to have someone to lean on regularly, and a partner to count on. The last few months have been wonderful, but also tiring. I’m glad for some events to have passed. I would say my life is beginning, but that’s not true. My life is a wonderful and amazing tapestry of positive and negative choices I’ve made and experiences I’ve had that have brought me to this point in my life. Despite it all, pain, hardship, damage to my self worth, and divorce, I still wouldn’t change a thing as always. I learned a lot and it has brought me to this moment in my life.

Expect more blogs, and possibly more Vlogs as well. I’d really like to start doing that again. I want to look into getting a good digital camera if anyone has any suggestions feel free to chime in.

Until next time darlings,

Shari

I’m better with you

I swear at times the older I get the more absolutely clueless at life I become in ways.

For example. I have felt like I have a good handle on how to be a parent. Like, I got this, I’m good. I’m coming up on Thirty two years old now.

That’s garbage. There is SO MUCH MORE TO LEARN, not to mention so many more perspectives beyond my own that I am constantly taking in. Either from parents who have been there done that, professionals who have opinions, or just trail and error of my own! It’s all a process. Just like being Jewish, I learn how to be a better Jew or learn more about Judaism ALL THE TIME. You’d think after going through a FORMAL CLASS I’d know all I need right? A lot of people think so. You’d be DEAD WRONG in thinking that. Am I pulling out my three in one book of like, practical Judaic information so I don’t mess up the prayers lighting the Chanukah candles this year? You’re damn right I am.

Life is always smacking me in the head with DUH things. For example. I have always limited the amount of toys Alex was allowed upstairs because they drive me nuts. He has an entire playroom in the basement. Matt told me his mom had a rule when they were kids that all toys stayed downstairs. THAT, was a DUH moment for me. So, no more toys upstairs lol. It’s been rather nice to see him hanging out downstairs instead of all over the place.

I’ve known Matt roughly ten years now. There has never been a time I can’t talk to him, about anything. He’s been the absolute best friend I’ve ever had. I’ve logged more game time, webcam time, and phone time with him than any person I’ve ever known lol. Dating him has been this incredibly natural and comfortable. We have this spacial rhythm about us like we’ve been doing this forever.

Then it hit me. In a way, we have. In different stages of my life, he’s always been my rock. During break ups, surgeries, painful situations with family, hardships with life in general. Never mattered what it was. He was always there. Just from a few hundred miles away. That was always a constant. It was just here, present, in person for once, with his arms around me keeping me grounded. Holding my hand, lifting me up, and dealing with LIFE. It’s been the most natural thing in the world.

He’s the Matt I’ve always known and that’s all the same. The kicker though? I’m getting to know things and parts of him I never got to see. Like seeing the way he looks at Alex when he’s asleep in his lap. Or the immediate fear in his eyes when Alex gets away from him in a place he shouldn’t, and the split second response as he scoops him up quickly. The fatherly feelings. Seeing the level of responsibility in him immediately kick in when we have things we have to worry about and get done. I can’t explain what that stirred in me, but they’re things I’ve not had before. There’s more, but I’ll keep those things for myself. We’ll just say that despite it all I’m very happy right now, and I feel safe. Clueless though. Knowing someone so long, and yet missing pieces. Though I did know how much he loved family, I think I’ll chalk some of this up to distance. After all I’m not THAT blind, BUT, it’s melting my heart all the same.

I know that there is going to be plenty of things life is going to continue to teach me. I hope I’m around as many years as I can be for Alex, and right now I know that I don’t necessarily NEED someone to be my caretaker, but I want my life, the way that it is right now. There is a lot to figure out, but I see a good future involved in it.

There’s been so much emotion lately truthfully. My health is all over, divorce court is DURING Chanukah, I’m doing my very best to keep it all together. Then I got news that my Grandfather (father’s dad) passed away. While we weren’t incredibly close, I still loved him. I’m living in constant roller coaster mode at the moment and I’m really just waiting to land softly on the other side. I know it’ll all be okay, but I’m so thankful that I have Matt here. On TOP of all that I get to go meet his family for Thanksgiving and that is a thing I have not done in many years! Though the last family I met with a boyfriend I made a good impression I guess lol. They still talk to me. Come to think of it so does the first family I ever met. I’ve only done this twice before, so I guess it bodes well that they liked me. It dosen’t make me any less nervous.

I guess it’s back to the grind of life. I’ll try to remind myself to work past my goldfish memory, and enjoy the beauty that is my boyfriend as I get to know even more about the beautiful person I already knew. Before we know it it’ll be a new standard year ya’ll. Crazy right? We have beautiful Chanukah decor up. Soon I’m going to go back to posting on the YouTube channel, don’t forget about my twitter too, I’ll start actually using it.

Shari

 

Let’s waste time, chasing cars, around our heads

So much has changed for me as usual, yet somehow through the dizzying nonsense I’m okay.

Divorce is not a word I thought I’d ever find on my lips yet here I am, and it’s okay. I think I numbed myself to the incoming blow so long ago that the pain wasn’t painful. It was releasing. Calming, REFRESHING even, not so much pain but an utter release of emotion that allowed me to let go of so much I’d been holding in for so long. Animosity, upset, hurt, not even pain but utter hurt that hardened over time. It all came flooding out and away, like floating away from it all on a beautiful wave, washing me into the shore, finally on dry land after crashing about in this horrific ocean of turbulence for so long trying to grab any solid object I could. Praying I could stay a float. I finally let myself speak out that I couldn’t do it anymore. My strength wasn’t enough. Strength and Love do not make people compatible or dreams the same. Force of will does not make force of nature.

So Zane and I parted. Now we’re heading to the court date that will begin to finalize the divorce. I’m proud of us both for knowing that we were spent, and knowing that it wasn’t best for us to stay together, despite a few hiccups in that process along the road. It’s been a long time coming. For those who don’t understand how that’s possible given the happy you see everywhere, I don’t believe in airing dirty laundry in public. The glimpses social media get into my life are positive. Who wants to hear that my husband and I were arguing pretty much non stop. Yeah, that’s not the kind of thing you share outside of personal friends. There were some who knew the extent of the damage in the fractures and foundations and I’m glad for the support they gave. I’m also so very glad I found my faith in all this.

That aside.

Matt.

What can I say about Matt?

Jeez, where do I even start.

Psycic, Dashie, my companion through so many things, and the man who gave me away at my wedding oddly enough. Most importantly though, the fiercest and strongest friend I’ve ever had in my life. No matter what I’ve done or how far we’ve gone from each other in life, we alway find each other. He’s hidden from the world. I’ve strayed because of stupid choices, in life, in love, and in general. No matter what he’s always been there, the boy on the other end of the camera. I want to say he was around Twenty Two or so when we met. Which means I would have been pretty much the same age as we are only a year apart, almost exactly. I can still remember meeting him. Having am immediate and instant bond with him, and finding spending time with him easy. We have played games, we have watched shows, youtube, and so many other things. Sometimes we would just sit idly and talk about whatever was on our minds. It never really mattered. It still doesn’t. I have no words for the home that I feel around him. I’m not sure I ever will. I just hope that the feeling stays exactly as it feels right now. I also hope that he feels the same.

“All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see
I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all”
I had a dream last night, and I’ve always put faith in my dreams because it’s my sleeping mind working out what my waking mind cannot, and I think it also has foresight that I simply don’t. Matt took me to a house that wasn’t quite right. It was falling apart and missing windows. Asked me to reserve judgement till we got inside. So I did so. We made our way inside the house and it had some of the most beautiful rooms I had ever seen. Some were really well put together, others not so much. It was as if a graceful hand had started the work but never finished. As he led me from room to room there were good and bad things all around us. The structure was all good, but each place needed something. At the end he stopped me to tell me how much it reminded him of us. How we both needed repairs but that we could do it, and face anything together. That each room that needed work, needed us both. Then he kissed my cheek and walked away from me. I explored the house and took in everything he had to say. Then I worried about where he was. I found the front door and found him standing there on the porch. Waiting. With a smile. He looked at me and said “I’m right here love”. Then I woke up. I hope he’s always standing right there with that smile. Scared though I may be. That is the home I always want to see.

What a wonderful Christmas, plus Gamer Girl Monthly.

 

Hello all and wlecome to another edition of Shari’s life.

What’s going on in my world today?Well, I did in fact have the best Christmas ever.

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A very nice set of Chicago cutlery knives with a pole sharpener, a Mr. Coffee coffee pot, and a washable filter for it, an adorable salt and pepper shaker set to go with that beautiful dining room table which was also a Christmas gift, a tardis mug where the tardis relocates with heat and another Clive Cussler novel. I also got 75 deluxe Hershey’s kisses and 48 Ferrero Rocher chocolates. My favorites!!

Alexandr got some amazing presents including an easel, a talking activity table, a stuffed baymax, a stuffed ocelot from Minecraft, and loads of match box cars. He also got three tractor trailers, his favorites above all of the expensive toys and the stars of the show lol.

Zane got multiple things including tin signs from Fallout that advertise Nuka Cola and the Repconn facility but I’ll post pictures once they’re hung up.

This Christmas was incredibly special to me. Made even more special by those I was surrounded with. We got to see my sister and brother in law and niece’s and nephew’s and also got some beautiful china and some other very nice things from them as gifts. Then I got to be surrounded by Zane and my beautiful son who is growing way to fast.

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Now on to what I got in the mail today!

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Woooo! I’ve been wanting to try this for quite a while and finally caved. It came today. The first thing inside?

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This super cool scarf. No brand but decent quality, smells like the inside of a sears lol. Love it.

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Under the scarf was this bag, and a card.

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The swag inside was amazing. All decent quality. Here’s what came and I’ll elaborate afterward.

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So in each box you get three jewelry bits and some extras. In this case the scarf, and the bag and button I figure could be considered the extras. The Minecraft necklace is from JINX! so it’s legit I put it on right away but it came in the JINX packaging. The earrings we gather are meant to be Kingdom Hearts and the backings actually seem to be surgical. My ears are very very sensitive so I was worried but no irritation. I love the D-Pad ring as well and it is also fabulous quality. If you’re a girl and a gamer and you’re on the fence, for 13$ a month + shipping, do it. There are codes o plenty for 3$ off your first month too. Dooooooo eeeet.

Until next time everyone, I hope your Christmas was Merry and bright, or whatever holiday you celebrated!

Shari

When she says she loves you, tell her you love her too…

 

“Giver her a reason, a reason to love all you do,

She’ll tell you secrets, you’ll tell her secrets too,

She’ll tell you all her hopes and dreams, You’ll tell them too”

On the sixteenth of October Zane and I will officially be together for four months.

Things are so different in my life these days. I wonder some days if I deserve it. I feel so bankrupt half the time. Like so much of me has been taken away by others. It started at a very young age and only seems to be clearing now. Every single time he cleans, cooks with me, dances with me in the kitchen for no reason, and sings to me, I melt a little more. A little more of that ice in my veins softens up and breaks away. Like it was never there to begin with. Every so often though there’s a piece that gets stuck somewhere along the line. It yanks me from the happy and makes me wonder what I could be or do better. I am so scared to mess things up. Some days, just some days, I feel like I’m not enough. I think more than that even I’m so scared to let someone in this deep. I’ve let down every wall I’ve ever had, and opened every door. I take that back, I didn’t have to open anything, he broke down every wall with ease, and every door came open for him. He pushed past them like they didn’t exist and never would have stopped him in the first place. It’s like he had the key to every lock, the ones I painstakingly put up over the years in an attempt to keep others out. I spent so much time building this complex. I built it out of fear, pain, and rejection. I have been hurt, used, and abused so many times in life. So many people have taken me for granted. Pretty much every person I’ve ever given my love to has either not been prepared or ready to have it. They either didn’t give it the merit that it deserved, didn’t care for it enough, or outright stomped on it leaving it in the dust. My heart as a result, is a dirty, worn, tattered thing. I’ve searched my whole life for someone who would reciprocate my love on the same level. Someone who would tell me that they need me just as much as I need them. That they could never be the same without me there with them, and that they would do whatever it took to keep our relationship alive. I’ve said this to more than one person in my life. “If I were to walk away, I want you to chase me, chase me like you mean it” I know that might sound somewhat silly and juvenile. No one wants the person they love to respond with “Fine, go then” if you feel like you can’t go on anymore. We all want that person who will say “How can we fix this? I need you”. I’ve thought multiple times in life that I found this person, only to be let down after a substantial investment of who I am. I know deep in my heart, for the first time in my whole life that the person I’m with, above all else, has my back. He’s in this with me and will work just as hard as me to fix anything we face. He’s honest and true, he’d never back away and check out. 99% of my family has walked away from me, I have very little left and those who are gone have never stepped up in my life. I’ve had blood leave me behind like I was nothing to them. In the same note I have willingly offered up my heart to others in hopes that they would treat it as precious, hold it close, and never let it go. This man has abandoned everything he’s ever known about life and how he’s lived it simply to be by my side. My heart is a gift to him, one that he never wants to let go of.

 

There are a lot of people who will never understand why I upturned my whole life, why I made such a decidedly dramatic change. I know that some people hurt as a result of it, and I know that it didn’t help how some saw me. I am sorry if I let you all down but I did what I felt I needed to do, not just for myself but for those around me. Turns out I wasn’t wrong. I’m not the only one doing better out of all of this. I like to think that I touch people’s lives in one way or another. I’ve always helped in some form, every person that’s been close to me to become more than what they were. Unfortunately the typical way in which i do this is through hardship. In the process I change and grow as well but not without feeling pain. To the one other person in my life that I know reads this and will take this to heart. I am sorry for hurting you, and I do want to see you happy. I’m glad that you are finding that happy. Until recently I’ve always been the fighter and never been the one to know when to call it quits and walk away with myself still in tact to some extent. This time I did that. It’s hard to catch hell for it and I know that’ll end with time. I am more than myself, I am more than I was, I am not what I will ultimately be. As the days go on, ebb and flow with time, and things change, so will I.

 

For once in my life I have someone that I can look at and know, really know, he’s not going anywhere. Neither am I. For once I’m in something that we both have the fight and drive together that no matter what we face, we’ll face it together, hand in hand. He’s ready, and so am I. It’s like standing back to back with your party partner, both holding long swords in full PVP gear, ready to cut up any enemy we face. If one of us gets knocked out, the other will be right there with a phoenix down. Forgive the gaming puns but it’s how I feel and it’s part of how I’ve always related to the world. There is a rationality to our relationship along with the love we feel for each other. It’s not just the flighty, butterflies in my stomach, ache to be near him. It’s not just laying with him watching T.V. and feeling that overwhelming feeling that I am home. It’s also looking at him and knowing that we will show up for each other, that we’re in this together, and that this is it for me. He is it for me. I know this with no doubts in my mind or my heart. I also know without a doubt that he feels the same way. This is why I know we’ll be together forever. Not only do we love each other, but we choose to be together. We make the effort, put in the time and work, and we commit to one another. For the rest of our lives.

Baby makes his livin’ on the road…

I watched him drive away again this morning. Hearing those breaks let out and watching those tail lights from the garage kills me. I know he’ll be home again soon I just wish we had more time together. I do what I can to try and make his time at home as fun and awesome as possible. I want him to know that I miss him as much as it feels like I do. I will always do my best to make him feel at home while he’s here and make him as happy as possible. Zane is a really amazing man and he treats me like a Queen. I’m the Queen of his world and he’s the King of mine.

Life is much slower these days, though Alex seems to think it’s not. He fires on all cylinders constantly and pays no mind to the fact that momma can’t run that fast lol. I’ve learned that the house does not need to be perfect at all times, but I love when it is clean which is 95% of the time. The rest of the time Alex has his fun.

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I look out and see things like this. Granted this got picked up shortly after, It’s a mark of life. The life that’s ours, messy and beautiful, and writing it’s own story as it unfolds all around and in front of me. I keep reminding myself I’ll never get this back and one day it will be me chasing him again. I’ll be begging for time with my son and he’ll be having none of it. I really must enjoy the now and not look forward too much for fear of missing what’s already in front of me.

Then there are days when we both want to give up.

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On those days I play Fallout or some other game, and he does this lol.

I’ve been working on trying to lose more weight and have been fairly successful at that venture. I’ve gone from a size 14 at the end of July to my current size of 10. So four dress sizes in around 2 months. I lost two of those in the last 16 days or so. Ideally I’d like to get back to my 0/1 size as it was where I was most comfortable. I’m getting there, slowly but surely. When I went and did grocery shopping this time around I did my best to limit my purchase of carb loaded food. I -plan- to start doing Atkins again in September but we’ll see. I do not have a scale yet so no offical weight. I have a doctors appointment on the 20th so I’ll know better then what my current weight is. I was 176 last time I was seen.

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I certainly look better. Please ignore the bucket and paint tray, we haz a leaky roofs. I feel better and better all the time and I’m happy. My life is in a wonderful place right now.

See you next time those of you that still read!