Spiritual awakening, the start of my conversion to Judaism.

I would rather think of life of as a good book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to come together and make sense. 

This quote is credited to Rabbi Harold Kushner, I feel like it could not be more relevant to my life, in general, or right now.

When I think over my life there has been a large amount of pain, turmoil, and hurt, but there has been joy, and love, as well as extreme happiness. I searched from a very young age for more. From Catholicism, to Evangelism, Judaism, to even Buddhism. I have learned a great many things about what those around me had believed.

I have always felt there was more in this place than random design. Weather it be anger, sorrow or stubbornness, I have chided away from this in the past. I have gone to churches, tried to feel welcomed and fit. How could I ever find a home in a place where others were hated? Where a good and loving God would cast aside those who were different, and it was my duty, nay, calling to judge them and cast them away from me, or even worse the love of the creator of us all? There was no part of me that felt at home in those places, though my faith and connection spiritually never disappeared. I suppose you could call it a spark inside of me. A light that shone, even if it was dim at times.

This, is about how I came to find a start in my life, a path that I must walk to see where it leads, and where I believe it will lead. I say this, because for some reason I can’t help but feel that my feet already know the steps. I just need the hand to reach out and help guide me. I felt lost, yet not scared, I feel adrift, needing knowledge, yet I know that it will come, when it is time. For the first time in my life, ever, I feel like I have found solid footing in a world that has always felt so uncertain in my mind. Everything around me feels firm and planted.

I feel just as sure about the choices I am making now as I did choosing Zane, falling in love with Zane, and marrying him. There is nothing but clarity inside me. I feel as steady inside as I did in the NICU with Alexandr, knowing that I was his mother, and somehow, we would make it through. So many nights I sat in my glider or on my knees, holding the number to the NICU unit in my hand in the dead of night, crying, and praying, waiting to call and hoping for the safety of my child. I know he was kept safe. I’ve never lost faith, I’ve just never known where to place it, I’ve never known a home to hold that faith.

Next month I will begin a year long spiritually educational journey. A pilgrimage of my own as it were. I will immerse myself and our family fully to the practice and observance of Judaism. Every day I work to enhance my spiritual relationship with God. I will work very diligently to learn all I can and to live as Jewishly as possible, and raise my family this way. This includes following as many practices as we are able, including my fumbling attempts to convert our household to being Kosher (which has been mildly amusing).

I know I’m going to get this question from some, yes, my husband is Jewish. This however is not my reason for conversion. We have been married for some time now. Two years on Valentine’s day as a matter of fact. That said he has been non practicing for as long as I have known him. We are embarking on this journey of spirituality together, and feel it is a wonderful thing for us all, and is the way we want to conduct our home. The idea to convert was actually my own, it has been something I have considered for years. Starting in my teenage years. Sometimes you are just called from within. I believe Judaism called to me and always has.

If I haven’t told you personally about my conversion know that I told my family only directly and felt that announcing it this way was the best way to go about telling others. If you have any questions you’d like to ask me about it, any curiosities feel free to ask me privately, or comment. I am looking forward to this journey, and hope to share in some of it with you. I would love to hear from any of you who have gone through the conversion process, or talk to any of you who may be considering it.

I feel very much like my spiritual heart has found it’s home.

Shari

(The pictures at the top are my Magen David, to commemorate the start of my journey we decided a modest pendant to keep me in touch with my path, and remind me to pray was in order.)

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Much Germs, So Yuck!

So the video is live, Alex has a bacterial infection surprise, surprise, because sickness always runs rampant in this house. Took him to the doctor who was AMAZING. This guy took the time to earn his trust. Alex even opened his mouth and showed his ears to him. He gave the doctor a hug at the end, which is not something he does with people. Affection is not his thing having ASD.

I’ve decided to switch doctors to the one we saw. He versed me better in the short visit with him than the two doctors I’ve seen in the last two years have. There is a lot going on with me but I will save that for another day. For now I’ll just say there may be some serious items on the horizon for me and my own health some of it having to do with my thyroid issues that cropped up in 2015 around Christmas for those of you that have been long time readers. That is never anything new though.

 

Long Drive Release Day!

 

Title: Long Drive
Author: Jessica Florence
Release Date: Jan 9, 2017
There is a long road in everyone’s journey in life.
For some people, it’s a way to get from one place to another.
For others, it’s a search for one’s purpose in existence.
For me, the road was where I could find peace.
When everything in my life had shattered, I turned to the road.
And that’s where I met him.
Killian Lemarque.
A beautiful truck driver, and my salvation.
One month on the road together is the deal, and when it’s over, I will have hopefully figured out what I’m going to do about my torn reality.
But sometimes the road can change everything.
One Month. One Truck. One Long Drive.
“Dance with destiny, Livia,” he whispered against me, and I swear it was the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me. My whole entire body turned molten, and I wanted nothing more than to let everything go with him. No struggles, no pain, no problems. Just me and him, right now, dancing in Vegas. A place I never thought I’d be.
My nose ran along his cheekbone, and my hips started swaying slowly against him. He understood that as my agreement. From that moment, neither of us disconnected from the other. His hands were on me, and mine were running over his chest, feeling him, feeling every flex of his muscles from my touch.  Even as the song changed to something different, we danced as if our theme song was still going on. His erection was pressed against my abdomen, and I felt the need to do something about it.
Never had I felt so strongly about a man’s desire. I moved against him, and pulled him closer than we were before. I needed to be plastered to this man. He must have felt the same way, because his fingers splayed against my ass, and pulled me hard against his cock.  A gasp fled my lips.
It was that gasp that did him in; his hand cupped behind my neck and his lips crushed against mine.
My knees immediately felt weak, but he was quick to catch me, holding my body to his with his strong arm around my waist. Wasting no time, our tongues met and explored each other’s mouths. His kiss lit a fire in me that I would gladly burn to ashes in, just for a taste of more. Soft lips, but demanding in their pursuit to electrify my soul. I held onto him so tightly, I feared for ripping his shirt. Not a horrible crime to commit against humanity. When his hips moved his cock against me, I was on my way to a complete unraveling.
“Killian.” His name was a prayer on my lips, a prayer to soothe the ache that had been created.
“Say my name one more time, and I’ll crush your perfect fucking body against the wall behind us, and dry fuck you until everyone on the strip knows my name.”
“Oh, God.” My head rolled back as his lips moved over my neck, pressing hot kisses against my skin like the ones I had imagined in the shower the day before.
“God won’t want any part of the things I would do to you Livia.”  I believe it. Killian would handle me in ways that only a sinner would be begging for.
Jessica Florence, Kaleidoscope of Romance
Author ❤ PotterHead ❤ Movie Geek Extraordinaire.
Writer of Surviving Valentine. The of The Heart trilogy, Evergreen, Lights of Scotland Series, and The Final Love series.
When she’s not writing her next invigorating story. You can find her running her own business, and spending time with her husband and daughter in southwest Florida.

 

Alright guys, Holy wow.

What can I say about this book? As a trucker’s daughter and now a trucker’s wife, as well as being someone who has worked in the industry, I know a thing or two about trucking.

Killian and Livia captivated me from the very beginning, the development and vibrancy of these two characters sat me down and buckled me up, and thank goodness for that. This book took me for a ride and then some. I have been out on the road with my husband before, and all this book did was take me back, back to those long nights, long drives, the winding roads to random destinations. The whole time I was reading it I could hear the truck engine the bumps of the road and the shifts of each gear. The descriptive nature of this book sets the scenes in your mind.

Killian’s grounded salt of the earth soul and Livia’s airy winged spirit will take you away. With every page, you’ll just want to read a little more, even in the wee hours of the morning.

The realism of trucking paired with the fantasy and romance that are these two and their month-long drive is incredible and I thoroughly enjoyed Jessica’s tale of their journey. Taking that drive with them and feeling them grow not only in passion but in every other way possible between a man and woman was wonderful. I have read this book three times now. I very much look forward to purchasing her next book.

If you haven’t checked it out for yourself, please do. It is so worth the read, truly. I have looked forward to this book from the very beginning stages of it and I was so happy when I finally got a chance to read it. What a fun adventure.

 

Long Drive, Check out this amazing cover!

 
Title: Long Drive
Author: Jessica Florence
Release Date: Jan 9, 2017
 
 
 
There is a long road in everyone’s journey in life.
For some people, it’s a way to get from one place to another.
For others, it’s a search for one’s purpose in existence.
For me, the road was where I could find peace.
When everything in my life had shattered, I turned to the road.
And that’s where I met him.
Killian Lemarque.
A beautiful truck driver, and my salvation.
One month on the road together is the deal, and when it’s over, I will have hopefully figured out what I’m going to do about my torn reality.
But sometimes the road can change everything.
One Month. One Truck. One Long Drive.
 
 
 
 
 
Jessica Florence, Kaleidoscope of Romance
 
Author ❤ PotterHead ❤ Movie Geek Extraordinaire.
 
Writer of Surviving Valentine. The of The Heart trilogy, Evergreen,Lights of Scotland Series, and The Final Love series.
 
When she's not writing her next invigorating story. You can find her running her own business, and spending time with her husband and daughter in southwest Florida.
 

Okay so those of you that don’t know, I LOVE to read. I came to know Jessica by happenstance and this book of hers is something I have watched transform and grow. This story is one after my own heart as the wife of a truck driver. The subject matter is like nothing you’ve ever seen. Jessica is a fantastic novelist with such a talented and guided hand, her other works are certainly worth checking out as well. Do not forget to stop by her facebook and other social media outlets as well.

Trust me, you guys do not want to miss this book. Having gotten some delightful little snacks myself, I am chomping at the bit. I already have my preorder in. DON’T HESITATE, especially you trucker wives out there. This book is so unique. This is nothing like the weaksauce romance novels with the same old plot lines. This is new, fresh, and AMAZING. Give it a read and you won’t regret it, I cannot wait to see what the ending has in store. With a wonderfully strong female in the lead role and a hunky, hard working trucker as the counter part, this story has captured my heart from go. This cover is GORGEOUS. Stay tuned as sometime soon I’ll have more details to share with you about the book!

But if you never try you’ll never know, Just what you’re worth

The other day some friends and I played a game. We listed off songs that we could listen to for the rest of our lives. One song only, forever. I of course had trouble choosing and ended up picking three. Music has always been the mainstay of my life. One of my friends chose “Fix You” By Coldplay. I listened to all the songs chosen and this one resonated deeply with me.

As of late there has been a lot filtering around with Alexandr’s care that has been incredibly difficult, and I have found it so hard to muster the strength and tenacity in myself that I typically have. that strong will and push forward attitude I always seem to have has been so rocky. perhaps it has been because of some of my own personal struggles but whatever the reason my resolve is being tested by everything that is facing us at the current moment.

Alexandr entered this world under the most spectacular of circumstances, at thirty three weeks, and spent a month in the neonatal intensive care unit. Since then it’s been a non-stop roller coaster ride. In the last year we’ve spent a large amount of time in therapy four times a month. We have had progress, and we have had setbacks. Anytime we make headway I feel like we do an about face and it’s two steps in reverse.

While other parents can speak to their children who are about to turn three, I cannot. Instead we communicate mostly through hand holding and pulling. I have spent the last few weeks struggling with what therapies to choose for him, what will serve him best, how to get them for him, and how to move forward.

Progress.

That’s always the word of the day, how to make progress. How do I get through to our son?

I told my sister the other day, who understands exactly how I feel, that I feel as though it’s like being locked outside a house with your child inside, staring in a window from the cold. You cannot get in until they can figure out how to open the door.

Autism is a fickle thing, and though he may not have an official diagnosis yet, that’s the label that we’ve all put on it at this point, his therapists included, and it’s something that over time, I’ve had to come to terms with.

Fix you.

That’s exactly how I feel.

I wish I could fix it. I want to fix it. I want to make it all okay for him, and make the pain go away. I don’t want my son to be upset when he is around too many people, too much light, sound, or just general chaos. I want him to be able to go from place to place without being so upset he can barely breathe. I want to take all his pain and anxiety and bear it on my own shoulders. Give it to me, and make him okay.

Today is world prematurity day and I was reminded once again how precious he is. Despite all of this, and all of our struggles, I have taken the last few days to step away, away from all of it, the appointments and therapist evaluations. The upcoming school placement (he starts preschool in February). The developmental pediatrician evaluations and the figuring out what to do about this child psychologist business, and I stopped to enjoy my son.

Sometimes I get so caught up in all of the need of development. I forget to just slow down and enjoy him as he is now. I focus so much on what the next step is, that I forget to take in the now.

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 Sometimes we have to just let go of what we think we can do, to find out what we really can do, and be. We have to get out of our own way. I feel like I spend so much time at times TRYING to be the best parent that I can, that I miss just playing in the dirt with my son. I should let go more often.

In the past two days I’ve been able to take down the barriers in my house and stop using the baby gate, and bring him a little more into my world. He has his own space in our office at that little desk of his own. He is learning a little more about boundaries and I think he’s actually understanding it a little bit, because I’ve given him that opportunity. We both have been feeling sick as well and for the first time since he was seventeen months old he wanted to sleep in my bed with me, and I haven’t gotten those kinds of cuddles since he was that age either. I forgot what it was like to have him need me that close. I cried my eyes out after he fell asleep. Something he will probably never know or understand, but I needed that from him so badly.

I just needed to try, to let myself know what not only I was worth, but what he was capable of.

I think we both needed what came out of the last few days.

There is no fixing that needs to be done in this house I have always known that, and while I may always want to make him feel better because I’m his mother, and will always want to take that weight off his shoulders, I’m learning every day to handle things a little better. It is all a process, and we learn from each other.

 

Give em land with a good view, to start a family

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Things in our country are tense right now. A lot has been going on the last few months and as someone who follows politics pretty closely, and who has been a pretty avid follower of it since I was in high school it’s all hit pretty close to home. I have seen a great deal of hate, sorrow, and ugliness in the days following the presidential election, and I feel the need to turn away from these things.

With some of the important holidays just around the corner I’ve felt it’s important to reflect on the things I’m thankful to have. Before I know it Alexandr will be three years old. His Birthday is in February, and I cannot believe he is growing so fast. His mind amazes me on a daily basis. My husband is my love light still and that flame burns with a ferocity that I’ve never known in life. I could look into his eyes for hours. Pretty sure he could do the same with me, though I cannot pass words from his lips in his absence, I think I could make a close appraisal of his level of affinity.

This year will find this house void of company come Thanksgiving. The sounds of my husbands voice and laughter will not be here. As a result, our footsteps shall not grace it’s floor either. Alexandr and I will do what most people do, and for once fit into a strange societal standard I’m not accustomed to meeting. We shall travel for the holiday. We will make new memories with my wonderful sister, and her beautiful children. We will forge fresh beginnings, and I’ll be invited into the warm and open arms of family. We’ll cook turkey, drink wine, and share our lives in a way we are not always able. I am grateful for the opportunity.

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Not all people are as blessed as I, nor do they lead as warm and loving a life as I do.

I face challenges, with my health, and my sons.

I do not lay my head down at night worrying about the roof over my head, or if there will be food to eat in my home anymore, I do not worry if we will be able to provide an ample Christmas to our child. The contrary, I wonder where we will put the new gifts he will be provided!

I realize now more than ever, that the love, and family that I have, albeit small compared to some, is so warm and strong, that I could wrap up in it like a thick blanket, and carry it with me. It would shield me from so much harm if I would let it. That is a true blessing, and for it I am incredibly thankful.

 

The thought of arriving, kind of feels like, dying I don’t want, to go home and be, alone…

  So I have been on hiatus for some time now for those who may have noticed. Enter my triumphant return. Ever changed by the experience.

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Both my chariot and husband awaited me. We rolled away with eighteen wheels and where the road normally took my love light from me for a time, and with it my heart along side him, this time I went along for the ride. For two whole weeks I left my normalcy behind. It was like being swept into a whirlwind. Before I knew it we were leaving everything I knew behind and even states that I knew behind. Then it was just me, him, the darkness and the headlights on the ebony asphalt in front of us. My feet up on the dashboard of his truck, we had all the time in the world, or what seemed that way in our minds.

When you only have four days a month in your marriage to drink each other in, those moments become precious. You treat each day you are with each other like minute to minute, you have to make it count. Having so much time was almost dizzying, for us both. At first I don’t think either of us knew what to do with each other. We have been together now for almost a year and a half, and our one year wedding anniversary is incredibly soon as Valentine’s day sneaks up on us. We know each other so well that we can be in different parts of the country, yet we can feel the dissonance in each other. Like some strange disturbance in the force we can simply detect when the other person is suffering silently.

This leads to so many phone calls randomly, be it in the middle of the afternoon, or at three in the morning.

“I needed to hear you” or “I felt like I should call” I’ve never felt so synced with someone in my life. Our souls dance across the distance, and I feel it, no matter how far apart we are.

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As the miles passed we talked. We connected with each other on a level we hadn’t always had time to. With the creeping stretch and wind of the roads and hills, the crawl of the pavement and the tick of the clock, every mile we drove we both learned a little more. Zane and I have been friends for so many years. Six to be more precise, but there’s so much that sometimes you just don’t say, and even as partners there is always room to learn more.

I shared stories from my childhood that he had never heard. He shared some with me. The miles passed. We made jokes, laughed, held hands between gear shifts up hills and around curves. I read books out loud. We sang together, loud and uninhibited in the wee hours of the morning. We talked of our aspirations for our life together, and for our son. I took in the landscape of eight beautiful states. Four of which I had never set foot in before in my life.

On top of this I gained something else. Perspective.

I gained a newfound respect for the man that I love.

I have always had the deepest and utmost admiration for Zane and what he does. The man sacrifices himself and his time to provide a life for his family. It kills him to be away. The look of pure anguish on his face when he has to leave is gut-wrenchingly brutal. I thought I knew how hard his job was. Until I watched him do it. He works so much harder than I could have ever imagined in my head or realized.

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The time I spent in that place he calls home when he cannot be with us, his family, at his real home, showed me what an amazing individual I am married to. I felt like I gave him enough credit an admiration before. He will get even more now, of that there is no doubt.

The hard part comes now. Now I am home, and I have had to let go of his hand once again. This time for eight weeks, so that I may have my light back in my life for Christmas. After getting such valuable time together I got comfortable. I keep reaching for his hand, and turning to see his face. Only to be reminded that he is not here, and sadly, I cannot see him. Thank goodness for technology.

What I wouldn’t give for his breath on my cheek, or his hand brushing back my hair.

His gruff voice telling me how much he loves me in my ear as he holds me tight.

Lying next to him as we fall into a deep sleep.

Dream of me tonight my love.

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