I swear every year when it gets close to my birthday I start this period of reflection. Of the choices I’ve made and where my path has lead me in the year prior. My mortality becomes ever present and hits me in the chest so hard. Like I’m being told to pay attention. Not to forget just how sweet life can be, and how bitter it can be just the same.
I’ve seen so much sorrow in my life, and even in the last year of my life I’ve felt pain I’ve never known. The ending of something I thought would be lifelong. Having to be truthful with myself. Like, GUTCHECKINGLY honest. That’s tough guys. To be that honest with yourself hurts. I wanted my marriage to work. I really did. I also had a lot of feelings in my heart early on that it wasn’t going to. I willed my way forward in something that didn’t feel totally right because I believed in us both. I think that’s what some call being blinded by your feelings.
The ugliness that came out of the person I knew hurt the most I think when it came to myself. It tore me down more than I ever thought possible. It was a lot to process. What hurt more than anything else, and still does, is trying to help my son understand. He still doesn’t fully get it, and that may take a while. We are looking at therapy for him. What a blow right? Not only did I feel like I failed at being married but as a parent. I know many will say that’s not true, and I know in time I’ll accept it. I just never want him to feel pain or dejection. That boy has brought more to me in life than I could ever explain to him. He’s my baby boy. He always will be.
So now home has changed, into something different. Something beautiful and unexpected. In truth I’m not sure how to deal with a lot of what’s inside me right now but I know that my heart, mind, and God will help me with those things. I struggle a lot. I am so very limited compared to what I once was. Physically, mentally, and in general. There are so many things I want to be again but I just can’t. Being trapped inside myself is something I’m going to have to learn to deal with. It’s a process of grief on it’s own. The mourning of what I once was. I lose a little more of me every year.
Ever since my conversion and embracing God in my life I feel pulled magnetically forward toward certain things though. The path is often tough but wow the outcomes are so beautiful and marvelous. The risks are so difficult, but I feel like that level of mortality I have allows me to let go and do what I feel I must. Get out of my own way if that makes sense? When I do the rewards I am given are so incredible I feel I may burst at times.
When I wake up, even though I am often in pain or still tired, I take a few groggy blinks around and realize where I am, and smile. There are so few days that I feel heavy. My heart is filled with joy, even though I know I have to drag my way to the bathroom and take a literal handful of pills and wait for them to kick in for me to move around more. Even though my son will want me to pick him up and I’ll have to tell him I can’t, but instead I’ll sit down and let him crawl in my lap (which at five years old he’s getting a bit big for but I dread the day he can’t anymore.). Some days I wake and Matt isn’t up yet and I get to put a hand on his face with the peeks of the sunlight in the morning shining on his cheeks. His lips perk up into a smile and I touch my forehead to his and just drink in the silence and breath him in before we have to get out of our bed.
There has been a great deal of pain in my life, and I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I try not to ask, I try not to think about it. What I do know is this. My life is beautiful, in the now. Even with all the flaws, pain, and difficulty of functioning. I am surrounded by love, joy, and happiness. The business of living and time passing, which it does so quickly. Six months has gone by in the literal blink of an eye. I want to live in it and take every single moment I have in my life and make it extraordinary to whatever degree I am able. For me that may mean coloring pictures in the basement playroom with my little man while we make crazy lion noises. Or watching from the couch as Matt lifts him up and fly’s him around the living room and gives him strong hugs just one more time before he has to go to work. I’m going to do my very best not to forget that these times are so important. I’ve got to hold on to them all.
I wonder if I’ll ever fully develop a good sense of self or ability to function.
If any of you have followed me for a while you know that I am incredibly hard on myself. Literally no matter what I do I’m always over analyzing what it is that I’ve done and if I made the correct choice, and also if what I’m doing at that current time is the correct thing. I honestly never know if I’m doing the right thing or if BEING ME is enough. Hell I think the only time I felt semi secure was when I was in therapy over the last six months or so, and my therapist has since quit and I haven’t been able to see her in the last few months, so I don’t have her anymore/a therapist at all. Right now though for the first time in my life I feel happy but so scared. I have plans but I’m SO NERVOUS. I am on the brink of so many things that I have wanted for so long but I initiated so many changes directly before all those things. It’s mildly terrifying.
I am placing an enormous amount of trust in the people around me. Some have absolutely earned it. Others have not. I have so much legal work to do it is legitimately overwhelming me and I don’t even know where to start. I’m watching everything happen and time is running away from me. It’s all happening so fast and I just hope and pray I can keep up with everything. Even thinking of it all gives me the feeling I get when I’m around too many people and I want to explode and disappear at the same time.
I know this. I need to reach out for help more now that I have that. I am so used to taking everything on my shoulders that I forget I can lighten my load. It really is as simple as just asking. I have always had to be the one in control. I don’t need to do that at all. Quite frankly I’m better off if I don’t. I have a partner who shares responsibilities with me. I forget about the strong girl inside of me. When my body is full of weakness, it’s easy to lose sight of the strength I do posses.
I really feel like in some respects I’ve spent the last three years alone. So it’s a shock, albeit a wonderful one, to have someone to lean on regularly, and a partner to count on. The last few months have been wonderful, but also tiring. I’m glad for some events to have passed. I would say my life is beginning, but that’s not true. My life is a wonderful and amazing tapestry of positive and negative choices I’ve made and experiences I’ve had that have brought me to this point in my life. Despite it all, pain, hardship, damage to my self worth, and divorce, I still wouldn’t change a thing as always. I learned a lot and it has brought me to this moment in my life.
Expect more blogs, and possibly more Vlogs as well. I’d really like to start doing that again. I want to look into getting a good digital camera if anyone has any suggestions feel free to chime in.
I swear at times the older I get the more absolutely clueless at life I become in ways.
For example. I have felt like I have a good handle on how to be a parent. Like, I got this, I’m good. I’m coming up on Thirty two years old now.
That’s garbage. There is SO MUCH MORE TO LEARN, not to mention so many more perspectives beyond my own that I am constantly taking in. Either from parents who have been there done that, professionals who have opinions, or just trail and error of my own! It’s all a process. Just like being Jewish, I learn how to be a better Jew or learn more about Judaism ALL THE TIME. You’d think after going through a FORMAL CLASS I’d know all I need right? A lot of people think so. You’d be DEAD WRONG in thinking that. Am I pulling out my three in one book of like, practical Judaic information so I don’t mess up the prayers lighting the Chanukah candles this year? You’re damn right I am.
Life is always smacking me in the head with DUH things. For example. I have always limited the amount of toys Alex was allowed upstairs because they drive me nuts. He has an entire playroom in the basement. Matt told me his mom had a rule when they were kids that all toys stayed downstairs. THAT, was a DUH moment for me. So, no more toys upstairs lol. It’s been rather nice to see him hanging out downstairs instead of all over the place.
I’ve known Matt roughly ten years now. There has never been a time I can’t talk to him, about anything. He’s been the absolute best friend I’ve ever had. I’ve logged more game time, webcam time, and phone time with him than any person I’ve ever known lol. Dating him has been this incredibly natural and comfortable. We have this spacial rhythm about us like we’ve been doing this forever.
Then it hit me. In a way, we have. In different stages of my life, he’s always been my rock. During break ups, surgeries, painful situations with family, hardships with life in general. Never mattered what it was. He was always there. Just from a few hundred miles away. That was always a constant. It was just here, present, in person for once, with his arms around me keeping me grounded. Holding my hand, lifting me up, and dealing with LIFE. It’s been the most natural thing in the world.
He’s the Matt I’ve always known and that’s all the same. The kicker though? I’m getting to know things and parts of him I never got to see. Like seeing the way he looks at Alex when he’s asleep in his lap. Or the immediate fear in his eyes when Alex gets away from him in a place he shouldn’t, and the split second response as he scoops him up quickly. The fatherly feelings. Seeing the level of responsibility in him immediately kick in when we have things we have to worry about and get done. I can’t explain what that stirred in me, but they’re things I’ve not had before. There’s more, but I’ll keep those things for myself. We’ll just say that despite it all I’m very happy right now, and I feel safe. Clueless though. Knowing someone so long, and yet missing pieces. Though I did know how much he loved family, I think I’ll chalk some of this up to distance. After all I’m not THAT blind, BUT, it’s melting my heart all the same.
I know that there is going to be plenty of things life is going to continue to teach me. I hope I’m around as many years as I can be for Alex, and right now I know that I don’t necessarily NEED someone to be my caretaker, but I want my life, the way that it is right now. There is a lot to figure out, but I see a good future involved in it.
There’s been so much emotion lately truthfully. My health is all over, divorce court is DURING Chanukah, I’m doing my very best to keep it all together. Then I got news that my Grandfather (father’s dad) passed away. While we weren’t incredibly close, I still loved him. I’m living in constant roller coaster mode at the moment and I’m really just waiting to land softly on the other side. I know it’ll all be okay, but I’m so thankful that I have Matt here. On TOP of all that I get to go meet his family for Thanksgiving and that is a thing I have not done in many years! Though the last family I met with a boyfriend I made a good impression I guess lol. They still talk to me. Come to think of it so does the first family I ever met. I’ve only done this twice before, so I guess it bodes well that they liked me. It dosen’t make me any less nervous.
I guess it’s back to the grind of life. I’ll try to remind myself to work past my goldfish memory, and enjoy the beauty that is my boyfriend as I get to know even more about the beautiful person I already knew. Before we know it it’ll be a new standard year ya’ll. Crazy right? We have beautiful Chanukah decor up. Soon I’m going to go back to posting on the YouTube channel, don’t forget about my twitter too, I’ll start actually using it.
So much has changed for me as usual, yet somehow through the dizzying nonsense I’m okay.
Divorce is not a word I thought I’d ever find on my lips yet here I am, and it’s okay. I think I numbed myself to the incoming blow so long ago that the pain wasn’t painful. It was releasing. Calming, REFRESHING even, not so much pain but an utter release of emotion that allowed me to let go of so much I’d been holding in for so long. Animosity, upset, hurt, not even pain but utter hurt that hardened over time. It all came flooding out and away, like floating away from it all on a beautiful wave, washing me into the shore, finally on dry land after crashing about in this horrific ocean of turbulence for so long trying to grab any solid object I could. Praying I could stay a float. I finally let myself speak out that I couldn’t do it anymore. My strength wasn’t enough. Strength and Love do not make people compatible or dreams the same. Force of will does not make force of nature.
So Zane and I parted. Now we’re heading to the court date that will begin to finalize the divorce. I’m proud of us both for knowing that we were spent, and knowing that it wasn’t best for us to stay together, despite a few hiccups in that process along the road. It’s been a long time coming. For those who don’t understand how that’s possible given the happy you see everywhere, I don’t believe in airing dirty laundry in public. The glimpses social media get into my life are positive. Who wants to hear that my husband and I were arguing pretty much non stop. Yeah, that’s not the kind of thing you share outside of personal friends. There were some who knew the extent of the damage in the fractures and foundations and I’m glad for the support they gave. I’m also so very glad I found my faith in all this.
What can I say about Matt?
Jeez, where do I even start.
Psycic, Dashie, my companion through so many things, and the man who gave me away at my wedding oddly enough. Most importantly though, the fiercest and strongest friend I’ve ever had in my life. No matter what I’ve done or how far we’ve gone from each other in life, we alway find each other. He’s hidden from the world. I’ve strayed because of stupid choices, in life, in love, and in general. No matter what he’s always been there, the boy on the other end of the camera. I want to say he was around Twenty Two or so when we met. Which means I would have been pretty much the same age as we are only a year apart, almost exactly. I can still remember meeting him. Having am immediate and instant bond with him, and finding spending time with him easy. We have played games, we have watched shows, youtube, and so many other things. Sometimes we would just sit idly and talk about whatever was on our minds. It never really mattered. It still doesn’t. I have no words for the home that I feel around him. I’m not sure I ever will. I just hope that the feeling stays exactly as it feels right now. I also hope that he feels the same.
“All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see
I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all”
I had a dream last night, and I’ve always put faith in my dreams because it’s my sleeping mind working out what my waking mind cannot, and I think it also has foresight that I simply don’t. Matt took me to a house that wasn’t quite right. It was falling apart and missing windows. Asked me to reserve judgement till we got inside. So I did so. We made our way inside the house and it had some of the most beautiful rooms I had ever seen. Some were really well put together, others not so much. It was as if a graceful hand had started the work but never finished. As he led me from room to room there were good and bad things all around us. The structure was all good, but each place needed something. At the end he stopped me to tell me how much it reminded him of us. How we both needed repairs but that we could do it, and face anything together. That each room that needed work, needed us both. Then he kissed my cheek and walked away from me. I explored the house and took in everything he had to say. Then I worried about where he was. I found the front door and found him standing there on the porch. Waiting. With a smile. He looked at me and said “I’m right here love”. Then I woke up. I hope he’s always standing right there with that smile. Scared though I may be. That is the home I always want to see.
In the Tanakh I have this passage appears a bit differently. Either way, Esther 4:14 is where it comes from, and it resonates more deeply with me than I could ever say, and I think it will hold fast to my heart for many years to come.
Those who have been following my journey, a great day has come.
Sunday night I took a bath, trimmed my nails, made sure no barriers were upon me. I was told it was easier to prep most things the night before. Zane and I had already given Alexandr a good scrub earlier that night after he had a nice play in the muck and mud outside. I prepared my clothes to wear, and my clothing to change into, a towel, and the things I’d need after my immersion, and put them all in a small carry on style bag my husband uses at times.
Monday morning we awoke early. My husband and I, who really didn’t sleep much the night before in the anticipation, set more alarms than I can count. Between the two on the night table, my phone, and his, I think we got the message lol. Not that it was really needed. The nervous excitement coursing through me was really making any restful sleep impossible. After getting everyone ready and gathering in the living room. I sat Alex in my lap to explain to him one last time where we were going and what we were doing. I wore the same shirt I did when I started this process, and the same Star of David I wore every day. That day would be my very last day wearing it.
“This, is about how I came to find a start in my life, a path that I must walk to see where it leads, and where I believe it will lead. I say this, because for some reason I can’t help but feel that my feet already know the steps. I just need the hand to reach out and help guide me. I felt lost, yet not scared, I feel adrift, needing knowledge, yet I know that it will come, when it is time. For the first time in my life, ever, I feel like I have found solid footing in a world that has always felt so uncertain in my mind. Everything around me feels firm and planted.” – July 31 2017
“When I began this process I knew that Judaism fit well as an ideal set to my life, and the spiritual idealism was what needed exploring for me. What I found in it was so much more than I ever could have imagined. God found me, and I found God. There were seeds in my spirituality well before I started the structured process of conversion to be sure, but this last year brought out the blooms. I have endeavored to live a life that cares for myself but takes the parts of myself that can be useful, and gives them to others.” – June 18 2018
Before I even began to learn I knew where I wanted to be. I knew I wanted and needed to find out more about this connection I felt. This sense of presence around me that I couldn’t ignore. It was getting louder and louder. So that’s exactly what I had done. When we reached the place that houses the Mikvah we were to use here in Kansas City I found one of the Rabbi’s from my Beit din waiting for us. It had begun raining that morning and it took some time for the other two to make their way to us with the weather. We did our best to keep Alexandr occupied. All of them were familiar faces. My pursuit of knowledge and the amazing classes set up by our Rabbinic association had taught me much, but it does not exactly prepare you for what comes on this day. I feel like your heart and soul is what does.
Finally the time came to sit down with them all. The things they ask you are personal, not so much factual, though there is some of that. I am sure this is different from experience to experience (and keep in mind I converted reform), but this is in line with many things I read from others.
I told my husband yesterday that all of this reminded me of our wedding. It was all so fast, and such a blur. The term escapes me now but there’s a even a medical ideal to this, it happens in positive and negative moments, say in a car accident, time seems to stand still or go in slow motion, and in pivotal moments such as this, it’s like everything is going to so fast you simply can’t grasp the moments around you no matter how hard you try. The bearings fail you. I remember a lot of things about our wedding very vividly. Smells, things we said to each other. I couldn’t tell you half of the words that came out of the mouth of the officiant today. Everything has this beautiful hazy glow. Time began to run ahead of me.
At the Mikvah, time began to run ahead of me. I very vividly recall standing in front of the mirror and checking things like my nails, my eyes, my hair, and a few other places one last time. Taking out and off all my jewelry, such as my necklace, for the very last time. How heavy a symbol that was to me. I recall hearing “Naked as We Came” in my head by Iron and Wine and thinking, this is it, from here, it all changes. I also very vividly recall the walk down the stairs and into the waters. From there it moved faster than ever. The immersions, the blessings, the words flowing from my mouth and resonating in the walls around me. I will also never forget fumbling over the Shema, something I say every night before I sleep, because I began sobbing into the water. Part of the reason for this is that my Rabbi said from the other room “Now you shall recite the Shema for the very first time as a Jew”, and all I could think was that, it kept playing in my ears as I stumbled over the words. I can’t even recall what I said or what was coming out of me. Just words and sobs. I was Jewish now, I am a Jew, now and forever more. I remember my husband bringing my son in and the bright smile on his face after his immersion, and how badly he wanted to stay in the water, and letting him float on his back for a while to just enjoy the moment, as well as telling him how proud of him I was.
I think it’s still sinking in for me but it certainly was then. That evening we had a party with many friends, we enjoyed wonderful food grilled outside, and some that Zane and I had spent the last few days prepping, Israeli salad, Mediterranean grilled veggies, fruit salad that we cut little stars of david into, lots of Sangria (thankfully the weather broke!) and good company.
We gave Alexandr the name Yehudah/Judah – יהודה
We did this for a few reasons. I found this beautiful picture of a stained glass window in the sanctuary surrounding the ark in YINW in New York. It’s absolutely stunning. They have a whole wall of them if you click on it. I think they gave a wonderful start to why we chose it in the description of the window. “Yehudah’s courage and attitude towards life was equal to that of a Lion” We chose it not only for the legacy of the very first Judah, but also for Judah Macabee. Who, through his forward thinking, cunning, bravery, resolve, and perseverance against the odds allowed him to accomplish great things. All things we see in Alexandr, even now as young as he is. Our main Mezuzah when you enter our home has the lion of Judah on it to honor him as our son, and Zane (Ya’akov) as his father and I adore it. We got it when we decided on his name from someone who bought it at a bazaar in Israel and from my understanding it’s from about 1950.
I chose Hadassah – הדסה for many reasons. I could write a very long story about why I chose it, and perhaps I will another time. For now I shall say the Myrtle has a very dear and close significance in my family as I have a myrtle tree planted for me in particular. It was planted when I was born. I also feel a very close connection to Queen Esther and the kind of person she was, as well as what she represents. Learning about her spoke to me. Reading the book of Esther for the very first time was like reading about things I had gone through at times. It felt so very close to my heart.
On Erev Shabbat this week I got myself together and headed to my home away from home at synagogue. Alex was all a flutter of course. Everything was lovely as usual and I knew that they were going to honor me and welcome me officially in some way. My Rabbi stopped me and asked if I was capable of holding a Torah for very long, and if so how long? I walk with a cane and have difficulty standing for a long time both because of joint and heart issues now. Determined though, I told him I would be fine. There is a point where we celebrate individuals accomplishments for the week. I chose not to walk up as I knew there would be something different for me. After everyone said their good news or special moment (after which we usually sing shehecheyanu) he asked that we hold, as someone had a something to celebrate that did not happen very often and he invited me up. We have two Rabbis at our congregation, one male and one female, both that I adore and consider some of the most inspiring people I have ever met. They were both at the Bimah with me.
Then they did something I never expected at all. They presented me with my very first Tallit. Not just any either. A Women of the Wall Tallit. Some words were spoken about the strong women of Judaism wrapping their arms around me. Our female Rabbi wrapped my Tallit around me and the wave of sobs came all over again. Then we walked to the Ark, opened it, and they handed me a Torah scroll, which, if you’ve never picked one up, are decently heavy. I wrapped my arms around it as though I was hugging it into myself, trying to take in the moment. Remember everything. We recited the Shema again. This time I did not mess it up haha. Both Rabbis said blessings for me and I returned the scroll to the Ark. I gave even more hugs and the congregation gave me a hearty welcome. I was presented our certificates and returned to my spot.
After Kiddush and Motzi I stopped by to thank both Rabbis for such a beautiful gesture and for everything they’ve done for me.
I don’t have a picture of myself wearing this well yet, but what these women do. The bravery, the strength, I admire them, and the symbols of our four mothers, who are now my mother’s. They could not have selected a better tallit to wrap me in at all.
I am blessed, I am proud, I am humbled, I am shaken, I am loved. I am a Jewish woman and mother with a wonderful family, community, and a life ahead of me I never ever saw coming, and I couldn’t be any happier. This process has been both the hardest and the most rewarding thing I have ever undertaken in this life. I have faltered, I have excelled, I have fallen down and even been in the hospital in this last year. Nothing stopped me because I had God with me and he knew that even though my parents were not Jewish, I was born with a Jewish soul. Shavua Tov, and Shalom to you all. I’m just getting started, up next? I’m singing for Erev Rosh Hashanah and N’ilah this year! See you all soon.
The title quote I’ve listed is attributed to Kotzker Rebbe. While I totally agree with this ideal, it does not always mean it works for everyone. One of the things I absolutely love about being in the Reform movement is that your spirituality and practice is yours to own to a degree. What I do is on me, and what you do is on you. I am not your judge, I am your sister.
I have taken a liking to the works of Heschel over the last year and I have always been of the philosophy that if you don’t have the best words to start yourself off, seek to those more intelligent than yourself. They have probably said it better well before you.
Last night we had what is to be one of our last classes, and on that note, I have a date set for my Beit Din and, God willing, my Mikvah and conversion alongside my young son. The amount of reflection in me right now is unreal. Unfortunately it’s been coupled with a great deal of health issues, however, they are beginning to even out. I’ve had to be incredibly careful with myself, which has meant my rationale winning at times over what my heart wishes. Which really brings me to the initial point. The topic for our class was the Judaic ideal of God. We spent the night discussing (with one of my most favorite facilitators of the year to be frank, discussion, banter, and debate in Judaism go hand in hand which I adore) the many different meanings across different movements of Judaism of God.
We talked about the components of God in the world. We explored how many struggle with it, not just in conversion, but as even born Jewish individuals. I mean truly, what a concept! We as humans are built with egos well beyond our own comprehension and sometimes control so at times the idea of the LACK of control over our own lives and destiny and the idea that there is something more powerful, much less something we can’t interact with, that’s a big pill to swallow. Many, grapple with the concept their whole lives, I am certainly in the category of a person who did that for most of my life. That is not to say that I may never go to those mats once more, but for now there is rest, for me. I spoke up some, but as this is my space I want to expand, from my viewpoint, here. Maybe it will help those looking to enter the process, or perhaps those simply looking for some hope or perspective in their Jewish life.
I am an incredibly rational person. I always have been. If you go back and read when I started this journey, conversion was a flatout choice of mine, end of story. I already knew what I was doing the moment I walked into the synagogue my family is now active members of and has made a home at. I put long and hard though and searching into my choice to commit to this. This is not the first time I have made decisions this way and it will not be the last. My belief? This is part of how God plays a role in my life.
You see, I see God in everything. I feel God in everyday life. Be that the amazing milestones my son undertakes that we have waited a very long time to see and watching him and his dad build models together. Or sitting at my dining room table and watching as the sun sets over the hill behind my back deck and waiting with baited breath for the gardenia bush to bloom, ever reminding me of the blessed memory of my mother in law. I breathe in those moments just as much as the oxygen I need to survive and when I do it’s like being lifted up by God. True, I feel just the same when bad things can occur to even still. I feel comfort at times when there is no one there to rightly be comforting me, or my sons small hand will find mine when I cry and say “It okay mama” and I know it will be, and is. I find that strength and I know my strength of will is not just my own. This world rationally is so much larger than is possible to just be. I can’t believe it any other way and I feel otherwise every single day, in every single thing I do. In the music that I hear and sing that touches me so much I can’t help but shed tears.
My husband and I almost weren’t, but we are because I made a choice and I made that choice because I was shown it was the right thing, practically by yellow flashing lights in front of my face. I may not know the big picture and what the plans are and I remind myself of that all the time, but I know that I am not alone. The Rabbi used the word relationship a great deal last night and I couldn’t agree more that it is a relationship. Just as advertised it’s a covenant and you’ve got to work at it, by doing your part to keep things together, in your own life, and the world. You can’t ever give up and give in to settling for good enough, do better, and be better. I spent most of my life turning completely away from that and now that I haven’t my life has been filled with more blessings as has my families than I ever thought possible. Find your way to find God, however that fits for you. You’ll not regret doing so and it will fill your life with more joy to have those people and that covenant in your life than I could ever say if I was given a lifetime of words.
I still cannot fathom that this part of my journey is almost at an end. I have been finishing up some of the books I started this year. Looking into which ones I want to acquire next (There’s one about the first female Rabbi I’ve been REALLY wanting), and making my next plans for continuing my Jewish education when possible. I also need to begin shopping for a Tallit. They are a bit pricey and with our medical expenses I haven’t been able to fit one into our budget, but I dearly want one, especially for the high holidays. Which, I’ll be singing for! On Erev Rosh HaShanah and for N’liah. I’m very excited. What an amazing start to an amazing new part of my life. I’m looking forward to all of the amazing things to come, and watching all the blessings our son will receive in the years to come.
Lot’s wife is told not to look back at Sodom, for if she does she will turn to a pillar of salt. She was so swept up in the longing for her former way of living that she is tempted into looking, and immediately becomes the pillar.
What a sad thing one would think, such dwelling on what would be considered a tempted and evil life, one doomed to death, why look back? It raises many thoughts to be sure.
While I can say I have probably lived in what you could call evil, I can’t say I’ve longed for it. I have, however, dwelled in it. I have carried it around like an albatross around my neck. I am guilty of letting my past draw me into looking back more times than Lot’s wife ever did or could have. The past few weeks have made me reflect on that. Yom Kippur was a turning point for me. It was the first time I allowed myself to let go of some things. Things I have been holding onto since adolescence. I stood in the sanctuary and I felt pain leave me that I’d never felt able to let go of. Exasperation I had felt, and shame toward myself, feelings that I had finally realized were so utterly misplaced. I finally placed it all where it belonged, for the first time. Also for the first time, I truly atoned. I apologized, for every curse, every ill word, and every bit of blame I ever put on God. In my weakness, there was always strength, it was simply not my own. The proof positive in that is my life. Against all odds, somehow I live on, thought many times my life has been in such close danger of ending.
So Baruch HaShem. I shall no longer look back, for I have no desire to be a pillar of salt. I desire to be here, now, looking ahead and around. I want to embrace all that I have and am today, NOW. It is time to put the past behind me, and let it fade away. Being hurt and angry, and pained over things that cannot be changed, does nobody any benefit, least of all myself. Finally fully accepting that there are things in this world that were inflicted upon me, that I had no control over, and did not deserve, has made all the difference.
I leave you today with a beautiful song by The Tin Man called “I Know I”, my post title and opening lines come from this song. I heard it early this spring, not knowing what it would mean to me now.