Sometimes you find insight to yourself in the strangest places.
You forget the ways in which you touch the lives of others around you, and maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe that’s how we stay grounded. We don’t see in the moment the difference we make, but then there are these times many years later that we are given the chance to reflect with those people, and not only do we know they are better, but so are we.
I don’t know at what level I’ve been a help to others, I don’t know that I ever really try to be to be honest. I’m always here, for any and every person who ever needs me that I care about. That’s just my nature and it always has been. If I care for you I’ll drop what I can at a moments notice to be there. I always hope for that same support in return.
In some ways it’s bittersweet that I’ve always ended up being the step up in the lives of those I care for. It has really felt a sort of, always the bridesmaid never the bride kind of thing? Though I’m not sure that’s the right analogy since I’m getting divorced, but it seemed somewhat apropos.
I really hope I have found my stop in life, that said I had a moment today to feel good about the bad in my past. While there has been heartache and difficulty in walking away, it’s left me and the opposing parties better off, and it seems I’m not the only one who knows it. I’m glad for that. I also know that once you know someone very closely for a long time, there is always part of them that you’ll recognize in a way that I think no one else will. That’s just the way it is.
I am always me, but in the last few years I have blossomed and become a much more open version of myself. Lately the parts of myself that I’ve closed and felt I had to hide are opening back up and meeting parts of my personality that are new. It’s been wonderful and freeing. The amount of stress I have on my shoulders is lower than I remember it being in a very long time. I also can’t remember being this happy. If I ever have been, it’d be tough to find the time and match it up.
Everything is peaceful. It’s quite in the noise, and center in the chaos. I am filled with happiness.
This both reminds me of my past, and my present.