Out in the garden where we planted the seeds, There is a tree as old as me.

 

I swear every year when it gets close to my birthday I start this period of reflection. Of the choices I’ve made and where my path has lead me in the year prior. My mortality becomes ever present and hits me in the chest so hard. Like I’m being told to pay attention. Not to forget just how sweet life can be, and how bitter it can be just the same.

I’ve seen so much sorrow in my life, and even in the last year of my life I’ve felt pain I’ve never known. The ending of something I thought would be lifelong. Having to be truthful with myself. Like, GUTCHECKINGLY honest. That’s tough guys. To be that honest with yourself hurts. I wanted my marriage to work. I really did. I also had a lot of feelings in my heart early on that it wasn’t going to. I willed my way forward in something that didn’t feel totally right because I believed in us both. I think that’s what some call being blinded by your feelings.

The ugliness that came out of the person I knew hurt the most I think when it came to myself. It tore me down more than I ever thought possible. It was a lot to process. What hurt more than anything else, and still does, is trying to help my son understand. He still doesn’t fully get it, and that may take a while. We are looking at therapy for him. What a blow right? Not only did I feel like I failed at being married but as a parent. I know many will say that’s not true, and I know in time I’ll accept it. I just never want him to feel pain or dejection. That boy has brought more to me in life than I could ever explain to him. He’s my baby boy. He always will be.

So now home has changed, into something different. Something beautiful and unexpected. In truth I’m not sure how to deal with a lot of what’s inside me right now but I know that my heart, mind, and God will help me with those things. I struggle a lot. I am so very limited compared to what I once was. Physically, mentally, and in general. There are so many things I want to be again but I just can’t. Being trapped inside myself is something I’m going to have to learn to deal with. It’s a process of grief on it’s own. The mourning of what I once was. I lose a little more of me every year.

Ever since my conversion and embracing God in my life I feel pulled magnetically forward toward certain things though. The path is often tough but wow the outcomes are so beautiful and marvelous. The risks are so difficult, but I feel like that level of mortality I have allows me to let go and do what I feel I must. Get out of my own way if that makes sense? When I do the rewards I am given are so incredible I feel I may burst at times.

When I wake up, even though I am often in pain or still tired, I take a few groggy blinks around and realize where I am, and smile. There are so few days that I feel heavy. My heart is filled with joy, even though I know I have to drag my way to the bathroom and take a literal handful of pills and wait for them to kick in for me to move around more. Even though my son will want me to pick him up and I’ll have to tell him I can’t, but instead I’ll sit down and let him crawl in my lap (which at five years old he’s getting a bit big for but I dread the day he can’t anymore.). Some days I wake and Matt isn’t up yet and I get to put a hand on his face with the peeks of the sunlight in the morning shining on his cheeks. His lips perk up into a smile and I touch my forehead to his and just drink in the silence and breath him in before we have to get out of our bed.

There has been a great deal of pain in my life, and I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I try not to ask, I try not to think about it. What I do know is this. My life is beautiful, in the now. Even with all the flaws, pain, and difficulty of functioning. I am surrounded by love, joy, and happiness. The business of living and time passing, which it does so quickly. Six months has gone by in the literal blink of an eye. I want to live in it and take every single moment I have in my life and make it extraordinary to whatever degree I am able. For me that may mean coloring pictures in the basement playroom with my little man while we make crazy lion noises. Or watching from the couch as Matt lifts him up and fly’s him around the living room and gives him strong hugs just one more time before he has to go to work. I’m going to do my very best not to forget that these times are so important. I’ve got to hold on to them all.

 

Shari

 

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Learning to Breathe

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I wonder if I’ll ever fully develop a good sense of self or ability to function.

If any of you have followed me for a while you know that I am incredibly hard on myself. Literally no matter what I do I’m always over analyzing what it is that I’ve done and if I made the correct choice, and also if what I’m doing at that current time is the correct thing. I honestly never know if I’m doing the right thing or if BEING ME is enough. Hell I think the only time I felt semi secure was when I was in therapy over the last six months or so, and my therapist has since quit and I haven’t been able to see her in the last few months, so I don’t have her anymore/a therapist at all. Right now though for the first time in my life I feel happy but so scared. I have plans but I’m SO NERVOUS. I am on the brink of so many things that I have wanted for so long but I initiated so many changes directly before all those things. It’s mildly terrifying.

I am placing an enormous amount of trust in the people around me. Some have absolutely earned it. Others have not. I have so much legal work to do it is legitimately overwhelming me and I don’t even know where to start. I’m watching everything happen and time is running away from me. It’s all happening so fast and I just hope and pray I can keep up with everything. Even thinking of it all gives me the feeling I get when I’m around too many people and I want to explode and disappear at the same time.

I know this. I need to reach out for help more now that I have that. I am so used to taking everything on my shoulders that I forget I can lighten my load. It really is as simple as just asking. I have always had to be the one in control. I don’t need to do that at all. Quite frankly I’m better off if I don’t. I have a partner who shares responsibilities with me. I forget about the strong girl inside of me. When my body is full of weakness, it’s easy to lose sight of the strength I do posses.

I really feel like in some respects I’ve spent the last three years alone. So it’s a shock, albeit a wonderful one, to have someone to lean on regularly, and a partner to count on. The last few months have been wonderful, but also tiring. I’m glad for some events to have passed. I would say my life is beginning, but that’s not true. My life is a wonderful and amazing tapestry of positive and negative choices I’ve made and experiences I’ve had that have brought me to this point in my life. Despite it all, pain, hardship, damage to my self worth, and divorce, I still wouldn’t change a thing as always. I learned a lot and it has brought me to this moment in my life.

Expect more blogs, and possibly more Vlogs as well. I’d really like to start doing that again. I want to look into getting a good digital camera if anyone has any suggestions feel free to chime in.

Until next time darlings,

Shari

I’m better with you

I swear at times the older I get the more absolutely clueless at life I become in ways.

For example. I have felt like I have a good handle on how to be a parent. Like, I got this, I’m good. I’m coming up on Thirty two years old now.

That’s garbage. There is SO MUCH MORE TO LEARN, not to mention so many more perspectives beyond my own that I am constantly taking in. Either from parents who have been there done that, professionals who have opinions, or just trail and error of my own! It’s all a process. Just like being Jewish, I learn how to be a better Jew or learn more about Judaism ALL THE TIME. You’d think after going through a FORMAL CLASS I’d know all I need right? A lot of people think so. You’d be DEAD WRONG in thinking that. Am I pulling out my three in one book of like, practical Judaic information so I don’t mess up the prayers lighting the Chanukah candles this year? You’re damn right I am.

Life is always smacking me in the head with DUH things. For example. I have always limited the amount of toys Alex was allowed upstairs because they drive me nuts. He has an entire playroom in the basement. Matt told me his mom had a rule when they were kids that all toys stayed downstairs. THAT, was a DUH moment for me. So, no more toys upstairs lol. It’s been rather nice to see him hanging out downstairs instead of all over the place.

I’ve known Matt roughly ten years now. There has never been a time I can’t talk to him, about anything. He’s been the absolute best friend I’ve ever had. I’ve logged more game time, webcam time, and phone time with him than any person I’ve ever known lol. Dating him has been this incredibly natural and comfortable. We have this spacial rhythm about us like we’ve been doing this forever.

Then it hit me. In a way, we have. In different stages of my life, he’s always been my rock. During break ups, surgeries, painful situations with family, hardships with life in general. Never mattered what it was. He was always there. Just from a few hundred miles away. That was always a constant. It was just here, present, in person for once, with his arms around me keeping me grounded. Holding my hand, lifting me up, and dealing with LIFE. It’s been the most natural thing in the world.

He’s the Matt I’ve always known and that’s all the same. The kicker though? I’m getting to know things and parts of him I never got to see. Like seeing the way he looks at Alex when he’s asleep in his lap. Or the immediate fear in his eyes when Alex gets away from him in a place he shouldn’t, and the split second response as he scoops him up quickly. The fatherly feelings. Seeing the level of responsibility in him immediately kick in when we have things we have to worry about and get done. I can’t explain what that stirred in me, but they’re things I’ve not had before. There’s more, but I’ll keep those things for myself. We’ll just say that despite it all I’m very happy right now, and I feel safe. Clueless though. Knowing someone so long, and yet missing pieces. Though I did know how much he loved family, I think I’ll chalk some of this up to distance. After all I’m not THAT blind, BUT, it’s melting my heart all the same.

I know that there is going to be plenty of things life is going to continue to teach me. I hope I’m around as many years as I can be for Alex, and right now I know that I don’t necessarily NEED someone to be my caretaker, but I want my life, the way that it is right now. There is a lot to figure out, but I see a good future involved in it.

There’s been so much emotion lately truthfully. My health is all over, divorce court is DURING Chanukah, I’m doing my very best to keep it all together. Then I got news that my Grandfather (father’s dad) passed away. While we weren’t incredibly close, I still loved him. I’m living in constant roller coaster mode at the moment and I’m really just waiting to land softly on the other side. I know it’ll all be okay, but I’m so thankful that I have Matt here. On TOP of all that I get to go meet his family for Thanksgiving and that is a thing I have not done in many years! Though the last family I met with a boyfriend I made a good impression I guess lol. They still talk to me. Come to think of it so does the first family I ever met. I’ve only done this twice before, so I guess it bodes well that they liked me. It dosen’t make me any less nervous.

I guess it’s back to the grind of life. I’ll try to remind myself to work past my goldfish memory, and enjoy the beauty that is my boyfriend as I get to know even more about the beautiful person I already knew. Before we know it it’ll be a new standard year ya’ll. Crazy right? We have beautiful Chanukah decor up. Soon I’m going to go back to posting on the YouTube channel, don’t forget about my twitter too, I’ll start actually using it.

Shari

 

Much Germs, So Yuck!

So the video is live, Alex has a bacterial infection surprise, surprise, because sickness always runs rampant in this house. Took him to the doctor who was AMAZING. This guy took the time to earn his trust. Alex even opened his mouth and showed his ears to him. He gave the doctor a hug at the end, which is not something he does with people. Affection is not his thing having ASD.

I’ve decided to switch doctors to the one we saw. He versed me better in the short visit with him than the two doctors I’ve seen in the last two years have. There is a lot going on with me but I will save that for another day. For now I’ll just say there may be some serious items on the horizon for me and my own health some of it having to do with my thyroid issues that cropped up in 2015 around Christmas for those of you that have been long time readers. That is never anything new though.

 

Long Drive, Check out this amazing cover!

 
Title: Long Drive
Author: Jessica Florence
Release Date: Jan 9, 2017
 
 
 
There is a long road in everyone’s journey in life.
For some people, it’s a way to get from one place to another.
For others, it’s a search for one’s purpose in existence.
For me, the road was where I could find peace.
When everything in my life had shattered, I turned to the road.
And that’s where I met him.
Killian Lemarque.
A beautiful truck driver, and my salvation.
One month on the road together is the deal, and when it’s over, I will have hopefully figured out what I’m going to do about my torn reality.
But sometimes the road can change everything.
One Month. One Truck. One Long Drive.
 
 
 
 
 
Jessica Florence, Kaleidoscope of Romance
 
Author ❤ PotterHead ❤ Movie Geek Extraordinaire.
 
Writer of Surviving Valentine. The of The Heart trilogy, Evergreen,Lights of Scotland Series, and The Final Love series.
 
When she's not writing her next invigorating story. You can find her running her own business, and spending time with her husband and daughter in southwest Florida.
 

Okay so those of you that don’t know, I LOVE to read. I came to know Jessica by happenstance and this book of hers is something I have watched transform and grow. This story is one after my own heart as the wife of a truck driver. The subject matter is like nothing you’ve ever seen. Jessica is a fantastic novelist with such a talented and guided hand, her other works are certainly worth checking out as well. Do not forget to stop by her facebook and other social media outlets as well.

Trust me, you guys do not want to miss this book. Having gotten some delightful little snacks myself, I am chomping at the bit. I already have my preorder in. DON’T HESITATE, especially you trucker wives out there. This book is so unique. This is nothing like the weaksauce romance novels with the same old plot lines. This is new, fresh, and AMAZING. Give it a read and you won’t regret it, I cannot wait to see what the ending has in store. With a wonderfully strong female in the lead role and a hunky, hard working trucker as the counter part, this story has captured my heart from go. This cover is GORGEOUS. Stay tuned as sometime soon I’ll have more details to share with you about the book!

But if you never try you’ll never know, Just what you’re worth

The other day some friends and I played a game. We listed off songs that we could listen to for the rest of our lives. One song only, forever. I of course had trouble choosing and ended up picking three. Music has always been the mainstay of my life. One of my friends chose “Fix You” By Coldplay. I listened to all the songs chosen and this one resonated deeply with me.

As of late there has been a lot filtering around with Alexandr’s care that has been incredibly difficult, and I have found it so hard to muster the strength and tenacity in myself that I typically have. that strong will and push forward attitude I always seem to have has been so rocky. perhaps it has been because of some of my own personal struggles but whatever the reason my resolve is being tested by everything that is facing us at the current moment.

Alexandr entered this world under the most spectacular of circumstances, at thirty three weeks, and spent a month in the neonatal intensive care unit. Since then it’s been a non-stop roller coaster ride. In the last year we’ve spent a large amount of time in therapy four times a month. We have had progress, and we have had setbacks. Anytime we make headway I feel like we do an about face and it’s two steps in reverse.

While other parents can speak to their children who are about to turn three, I cannot. Instead we communicate mostly through hand holding and pulling. I have spent the last few weeks struggling with what therapies to choose for him, what will serve him best, how to get them for him, and how to move forward.

Progress.

That’s always the word of the day, how to make progress. How do I get through to our son?

I told my sister the other day, who understands exactly how I feel, that I feel as though it’s like being locked outside a house with your child inside, staring in a window from the cold. You cannot get in until they can figure out how to open the door.

Autism is a fickle thing, and though he may not have an official diagnosis yet, that’s the label that we’ve all put on it at this point, his therapists included, and it’s something that over time, I’ve had to come to terms with.

Fix you.

That’s exactly how I feel.

I wish I could fix it. I want to fix it. I want to make it all okay for him, and make the pain go away. I don’t want my son to be upset when he is around too many people, too much light, sound, or just general chaos. I want him to be able to go from place to place without being so upset he can barely breathe. I want to take all his pain and anxiety and bear it on my own shoulders. Give it to me, and make him okay.

Today is world prematurity day and I was reminded once again how precious he is. Despite all of this, and all of our struggles, I have taken the last few days to step away, away from all of it, the appointments and therapist evaluations. The upcoming school placement (he starts preschool in February). The developmental pediatrician evaluations and the figuring out what to do about this child psychologist business, and I stopped to enjoy my son.

Sometimes I get so caught up in all of the need of development. I forget to just slow down and enjoy him as he is now. I focus so much on what the next step is, that I forget to take in the now.

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 Sometimes we have to just let go of what we think we can do, to find out what we really can do, and be. We have to get out of our own way. I feel like I spend so much time at times TRYING to be the best parent that I can, that I miss just playing in the dirt with my son. I should let go more often.

In the past two days I’ve been able to take down the barriers in my house and stop using the baby gate, and bring him a little more into my world. He has his own space in our office at that little desk of his own. He is learning a little more about boundaries and I think he’s actually understanding it a little bit, because I’ve given him that opportunity. We both have been feeling sick as well and for the first time since he was seventeen months old he wanted to sleep in my bed with me, and I haven’t gotten those kinds of cuddles since he was that age either. I forgot what it was like to have him need me that close. I cried my eyes out after he fell asleep. Something he will probably never know or understand, but I needed that from him so badly.

I just needed to try, to let myself know what not only I was worth, but what he was capable of.

I think we both needed what came out of the last few days.

There is no fixing that needs to be done in this house I have always known that, and while I may always want to make him feel better because I’m his mother, and will always want to take that weight off his shoulders, I’m learning every day to handle things a little better. It is all a process, and we learn from each other.

 

I hear voices all the time…

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What is it that defines us? Who we are and the choices we make? We all have paths in life. Roads we travel down, sometimes dirty, rocky, or even muddy. Other times we are met with smooth pavement under the tires. I feel we all are presented with obstacles and detours and how we decide to handle that is part of what it is that writes the ultimate biography of us. Who we are and the nuances of our personality.

I like to think that I am a strong person, one who has not only been off-road, but lost with a broken axel and busted mud tires more times than I would ever want to admit, even to myself. Every time I have found my way back to life. I mend the frame and drive on. Much like an old beat up Dodge that has seen better days but still runs and drives, I am here. Despite the fact that this old diesel engine is a bit knocky and tired.

I know I know, that is a lot of parallels to roads and trucks, but this is me we are talking about.

Lately I have had the voices of those around me, those who are so important, in my head. I have had a lot of things on my mind as well as many challenges to face. It has brought to the forefront some people around me who I don’t think will ever change. It has also reminded me that I do have the support of a few people that I could never trade. My wonderful husband, my amazing sister and brother-in-law, and even, at times, my grandparents down south. Though my phone calls to them are often short, and somewhat cooky, I will always be thankful for my grandmother and her silly southern love. I will never forget how much love I have been given from them over the years. My sister is a driving force in my world, I am ever thankful for technology and the ability to keep up with her every day when we cannot see each other.

I may not be perfect, and I have certainly been through a lot. I have become so much more aware of the truth in the world, and about people.

So what is it that makes us who we are? Is it those around us? The things we see? The way we were raised? I believe it is in the choices we make every day. You are who you choose to be. If you want to get back on the pavement, you need only turn the wheel, and start getting out of the mud.